Caw Said The Crow

As a rival to what the New York Times calls the fastest growing phenomenon on the web I have decided to launch OldTwitter the social networking site where you can leave confused messages because you've just gone upstairs and you can't remember what you're doing there. The system will then let your relatives and friends remind you who you are and why you've just put the cat in the fridge and the tin of Whiskas through the cat flap!

Help I'm stuck in a never ending loop every time I turn on my TV the World's Greatest Bed Sale is about to end and the Dillons go into DFS to buy a sofa!!!!!

This dropped into my e-mail box at work today..

Dear all

On Thursday 26th February the FSA will be visiting to hold one hour presentations covering everything from budgeting to borrowing to saving for the future. The session will try and help you make the most of your money so that…

You can look for the best deals
You can be aware of ways of avoiding "money trouble"
You know how to provide for a secure future

Please see the attachment for further details, but email myself for a place.

Many thanks

Two hours and fifty five minutes for a 17 mile journey this morning and it wasn't even snowing!!
Only saving grace was I left the smug git who almost took my front wing off driving up the A10 stuck on a hill just outside Baldock wheels spinning merrily in the slush car moving not a inch. Some might call that poetic justice with any luck that little BMW is still there

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
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And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their bums.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam!!!!!!

1. Other Drivers

"Yes I couldn't be bothered to clear the snow off my car this morning I only need a small hole 6cm round to see the road
through and I'm sure my headlights will shine bright through the 6 inches of snow on the bonnet."

2. White Van Men

"Of course mate my van has mystical powers that mean I can steam down the snow covered fast lane at 60mph when I can't see more the 10 feet in front."

3. London Buses

"That's it lads no buses today as a flake of snow has fallen on the London Weather Centre sorry but that's what it says in our contract!"

4. Gritters

"Well if I turn the grit on it would just be a waste wouldn't it much better I drive round with the lights flashing and nothing coming out"