Yes it appears that the humble Traffic Warden the scourge of many a motorist is no more. From today they will be replaced by a shiny team of Civil Enforcement Officers who will be responsible for a whole load of other things as well as sticking tickets on windscreens. Local Authorities say its for greater efficiency but of course getting one person to do three jobs is also cheap The name is interesting though are we suddenly going to get a whole load of Sgt Wilson's now "I say if you wouldn't mind awfully lifting your wipers so I can place a ticket on your windscreen. Thank you so much..." Well they are supposed to be Civil

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

Well what a day that was! Yes the predicted family gathering on Easter Sunday and the usual disaster. As well as the Mother in Law insulting Little Boss by calling her thick. The rest didn't exactly cover themselves in glory either. Having bagged a new job that starts on April 1st you would have thought that common courtesy dictated someone would have said something like "congratulations or good luck." But of course they were far more interested in watching digital photo frames and the price of apples! (With the notable exception of my Brother in Law who despite being a Spurs fan is a top bloke!) Now I'm not a vain person I don't expect a champagne reception or people turning cartwheels all I asked for was just a tiny bit of recognition after 30 years association with the family and the first new job in 18 years! But unfortunately I got absolutely nothing.

My Mum died 17 years ago tomorrow and the one saving grace is that I know her and Dad are looking down and I just hope they are proud. In fact I know they are. That's life I suppose why do the good ones get taken and the wastes of space still hang around

To The Editor The Financial Times:

Dear Ed

I heard from Dodgy Dave who knows a bloke down the pub who's Auntie once worked for the firm that cleans the windows at Lloyds bank head office. Well she reckons that her ex boss was in the toilet when he overheard a bloke in the next cubicle on his mobile to a stock broker telling him to sell his shares pronto because of the sub prime mortgage scandal.

Yours faithfully

Freddie Fingers

(That should be enough to get the city boys chasing their tales and let me clean up when Lloyds shares go down the pan )

Blimey what a couple of weeks that's been. Just landed myself a secondment from work to the Health Protection Agency and a pay rise Only problem is I've been working so hard I've been ignoring my Blogmates because I'm knackered Hopefully normal service will be resumed when I get everything under control.
Happy Easter one and all may the Easter Bunny leave you whatever you wished for (in my case a couple of long lie ins )

If you come from Eastern Europe leap out of the back of a lorry and can't speak English you're invited to stay.
BUT
If you fought with the British Army and put your life on the line because you come from Nepal you're told to naff off home?

Fellow Ware resident now in the Slade Prison in the sky with Fletcher Godber and Mr MacKay

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and
He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,'Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
'So book him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in
1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I
have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with
contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am
watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the
government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will
keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one
with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on
my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and
all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the
electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our
lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you
and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of
Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want
to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get
another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to
the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to
have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with
our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on
the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile
in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years
at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which
allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the then Prime
Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been
doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services.
However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am --
you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago ….
WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN !?!?!

This mornings hospital bulletin said Mrs Thatcher was stable. Well that's better than she was when she ran the country then

Not being allowed to wear their uniforms in public is just one of the changes being made to our armed forces. We take you now to a parade ground of the future....

Saergent: All present and correct on parade SIR!
Colonel: Thank you Saergent. Er excuse me but why are these men not in uniform?
Sgt: New orders from Whitehall Sir
Col: What?
Sgt: Troops are no longer allowed to wear uniforms in case they upset anyone.
Col: And why aren't they carrying any weapons?
Sgt: Whitehall again Sir, they say it goes against the new caring sharing image of our armed forces.
Col: And Saergent is that man wearing a dress??
Sgt: Yes Sir thats Corporal Inman Sir he's performing a valuable service for the unit.
Col: How is that?
Sgt: He allows us to meet our trans gender target.
Col: And tell me why is that tank painted pink?
Sgt: Not allowed to alarm the public sir Whitehall have given us this colour chart for all army vehicles in friendly shades. If you'll notice there's even a small window box below the turret.
Col: Magnolia, Wild raspberry, midnight blue????
Sgt: I'm afraid so Sir.
Col: Wait a minute where are they going I haven't inspected them yet?
Sgt: 6 o'clock Sir we're not allowed out after dark anymore in case some one sees us and complains. Last week Private Inman came back in a terrible state after a bunch of 10 year olds called him names.
Col: Waaaaaaaaaah!
Sgt: Now now Sir don't cry you don't want the enemy to think we're soft do you.

AC Milan 0 The Mighty Arsenal 2

To quote Jim Beglin on ITV 4 "Arsenal tonight were quite simply brilliant." Surely the best performance ever by a British club in Europe

Ok so how do you get on featured Blogs then? Everyday I look and everyday I'm not there. (walks away puffing and mouthing I do not believe it to himself.....)