A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too.'

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

Anyone get deliveries by Ocado? If you do your shopping might be late because if all their drivers are like the idiot who almost wiped me out in Hertford tonight I can't see many groceries getting delivered in one piece

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

Finally someone has put the Eurovision Song Contest in its place. Over the weekend Ireland voted to be represented at this years competition by Dustin the Turkey a TV puppet. Dustin will be belting out Irelande Douze Pointe at the final in May. So if they can do it which puppet should we have representing the UK ?

This year they missed out a number of important categories.

Most Embarrassing Presentation Ever.
for which there were just two nominees:
Samatha Fox & Mick Fleetwood for 1989
Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne for 2008

Evidently it was such a close run thing they agreed to share the prize until Sharon gave Sam the Vic Reeves treatment and all hell broke loose. Order was only restored when Ozzy failed in his attempt to bite the head off of Micks pet budgie.

The Oliver Reed Who's Been Down the Off Licence Award:
The Arctic Monkeys for services to Tesco's cheap cider and dressing up like rejects from To the Manor Born

The Syd Barrett What Planet is This Award:
Amy Winehouse

The Bill Grundy Memorial Award:
Vic Reeves

The Freddy Mercury World's Tightest Trousers Award:
Mika

The Jockey Club Fell At The last Award:
Leona Lewis

A short list for next years presenters has already been drawn up it includes, Bruce and Anthea, Jeremy Paxman and Julian Clary, Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone, and The Crankies

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife from having to do it.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
standing outside their window and changing their channel using your
identical remote control.

Cor just finished a days Health & Safety lecturing from which I learned the following.

1. All car park attendants are b*st*rds. (the exact words of Terry the Car Park Manager)
2. Never mention stress without expecting a 30 minute highly stressful question and answer session.
3. The best fire safety training DVD is Fawlty Towers "The Germans" episode. Watch the fire drill and you'll see what I mean.
4. Make em laugh and they'll give you top marks on the evaluation sheet.

Mrs M is coming back from a funeral, Little Boss has a cold, cats have been fed so I'm off to get my dinner and put my feet up in front of Liverpool v Inter Milan

Thanks a lot good old British weather! There was I all set for a good afternoons racing at Towcester and what happens the frost gets in the ground and its bye bye gee gees. Now normally that would be disappointing but today it was far worse than that because my cunning plan was to avoid the in laws coming for lunch. Another place hastily arranged at the table and I was in for 4 hours of how the father in law took on the Royal Airforce when he and his caravan club chums were camping next to RAF Henlow. Then we got on to the trials of young Tobias some distant cousins child who wants to be a criminal pathologist but is having trouble because he is dyslexic. even my attempts to inject a bit of humour by asking if he found out when he went to a toga party dressed as a goat (think about it!) failed miserably. They even managed to eek it out until 5pm but now they've gone and I have my Sunday back

After having their 11th child, a chav couple decided enough was
enough, the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong
enough to nick one....

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
Would fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,
Put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10....
The Chav said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
The can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which
point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand....

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twent y years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. how about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

So we now feel the need to congratulate the crowd at a Premiership game for staying silent to honour the dead. Says a lot about the state of football and society I think

Just caught up with the weeks telly. Anyone see "Ashes to Ashes" on Thursday? What do you think? "I'm avin oops!"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/7232281.stm

This must be the news story of the week

Mrs M is faffing about downstairs while her new kitchen is being assembled, little Boss is at dance class and needs picking up in 30 minutes Pheebs is asleep and I've got a complete mental block on what to blog about, any ideas

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.
Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes
and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna make mad passionate love to her once I get her pyjamas off"

Back in the King Dick Barry & Squinty are casting an eye over the news

Squinty: Blimey look a woman’s been taken to court for throwing an apple out the window.
Barry: Cor would you Adam & Eve it
S: Very funny
B: Its no good they’ll never win
S: Why not?
B: Because the case is bound to crumble in court
S: Ok that’s enough
B: Then again if she’s found guilty they’ll remand her in custardy.
S: I’m warning you
B: Then again I bet she’d apeel, ouch! Oy where are you putting that apple Squinty no no!

Meanwhile Ron & Reg are hatching a plan.

Ron: I’ve been waiting a week for this.
Reg: Why’s that?
Ron: Because that lazy bloody blogger who writes this rubbish has been sitting on his arse doing nothing again.
Reg: Hold on do you mean we’re just a filament of someone’s imagination.
Ron: Figment you muppet.
Reg: I don’t like figs I don’t like anything that makes me use 12 sheets of andrex.
Ron: So what are we going to do about it then.
Reg: Eh
Ron: I want some happy story lines and I don’t want to spend my life whispering in a mean and moody way I want to break out.
Reg: Have you been at those hedgehog crisps again you know what the e numbers do to your bonce.
Ron: What? No I’ve been watching that Moving Wallpaper on ITV
Reg: Blimey this is serious.I don't know anyone who watches that.
Ron: Well they get a say in what goes on so I want mine.
Reg: Yeah but how are we going to find this logger.
Ron: Blogger you plank.
Reg: Yeah one of them.
Ron: I don’t know Reg all I’ve got is this web site
Reg: Blog.co.uk
Ron: That’s right
Reg: Ron I’m not sure I’ve heard things about that place, weird and horrible things!

Will Ron get on the case of the evil blogger, will Barry get his apple back and will Squinty stop getting the pip find out soon on EastBloggers!

There was more uproar at Westminster School today as Hazel "am I bovvered?" Blears of 4b put forward the School Council's new proposals for foreign students. The council along with others throughout the country will be giving foreigners a leaflet telling them how to be British. This will include helpful advice like, Don't Spit on the Pavement, and remember to join the queue for lunch. It will be followed by classes on how to go out on a Friday night drink 3 bottles of vodka before singing three verses of God Save The Queen and throwing up over an Indian waiter called Gupta.The School debating society is also arranging a number of high profile speakers on the subject of foreign relations these will include Basil "Don't mention the war" Fawlty, Corporal "They don't like it up em" Jones and Alf Garnett. The council though hotly denied they would be forcing foreign pupils to sit through re-runs of the 1970's sitcom Mind Your Language.

I've written before about my Mother in Laws irrational hatred of Tim Henman, even in retirement she has no time for Tiger Tim. Yesterday though she had another national treasure fixed in her cross hairs. Over Sunday dinner she came out with this gem.
"We were watching the Two Ronnies last night which I enjoyed because they are so much better than Morecambe and Wise I can't stand those two!"
Well I couldn't let that pass without a little delving could I, although I did have to ignore a particularly sharp dig in the ribs from Mrs M! "Are they both dead" the MIL continued
"yes" I replied
"Ernie Wise died in 1999 and Eric Morecambe had a fatal heart attack in 1984."
"Who was the tall one with the glasses?" she said now with the bit firmly between her teeth.
"That was Eric"
"Oh I couldn't stand him"
Even I was surprised by now I mean Eric was Britain's best loved comedian except in London N3 it appears.Ok I thought I'll have to go for it despite another sharp look from Mrs M.
"So why didn't you like him?"
"Do you know he looked just like John." she countered.
This was a reference to my Brother in laws late father who I'd always considered to be a top bloke despite him supporting Spurs.
"And we had a terrible row once when he let Christopher run across the road."
So now we had it the greatest comedy double act of all time were cursed forever because my MIL had a row with a man who bore a slight resemblance to Eric Morecambe who she thought let her grandson run across the road when he was six! With logic like that I just marvel at one thing, why didn't she ever stand for Parliament

A young couple wanted to join their local church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month'. The young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult......However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts'.
'One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church'.

''We know' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either'

Ever since last night I've had a problem loading web pages. Sometimes things are fine and on other occasions pages fail to load until I've tried 2 or 3 times by keep hitting enter. Its the same on IE and Firefox and is affacting all the PC's on my wireless network. I've done a complete virus and spyware check which has come up with nothing. Any ideas?