There was more uproar at Westminster School today when Spotty Brown of the fifth form refused to admit that his No10 Gang had been given a big box of chocolate bars for their tuck box by a fourth former who wanted to bribe them so he could smoke in the toilets. Slimey Abrahams had evidently been giving Spotty's mates donations of chocs for some time in the hope they would turn a blind eye when he had a quick fag at break time. Since the scandal started Abrahams has transfered to another school. Speaking at the School Debating Society Spotty Brown said "I didn't know anything about the chocolate until Whinger Watt offered me a Crunchie at dinner time. As I said to him I'm not eating that I don't know where its been. At that Whinger stuck his tongue out and I threw him out of my gang." It later came to light that the Deputy Leader of the No10 Gang Orrible Arriet was also involved in the scandal but Spotty was quick to defend his best mate saying "Arriet has already told me she had no idea who slipped her a quick Curly Wurly at hometime!". The day ended in tears though as Spotty stormed off crying after newboy Cruncher Cable called him "Mr Bean".

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY AND FINALLY TRUEST TRUISM OF ALL

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing !

Just had a letter back from my MP about the HMCR Data Loss fiasco. I suggested that the Chancellor might like to pay for all us innocent punters who have been compromised by his idiot department to receive Protective Registration from CIFAS The UK's Fraud Prevention Service. It costs £10 + vat and provides extra protection if fraudsters try to use your personal details to obtain credit etc. Our bloke seems to like the idea (probably because he's a Tory!) and is writing to Mr Darling for his comments, he's promised to send me a copy of the reply. If I ever get one I'll post it up here. In the meantime I'm wondering where I can shove my other bit of post which was a personal apology from the Acting Head of HMRC for losing my personal data, any ideas?

Yes that's it I've had enough the next person to run something up the flag pole, think out of the box, or realm into blue sky thinking will get a strategic fit of my boot where it hurts!! Why can't we say what we mean without resorting to useless jargon or buzz words anymore?? Today I booked onto a Civil Protection Course in London and received the joining instructions which told me that after registration I could get "liquid refreshment in the networking capsule." I assume thats a cup of tea in the tea room and a quick chat then is it!!
So today I am officially launching Marvo's "You What?" Campaign to try to identify examples of ridiculous language and what it really means, anyone up for it?? Or should I say do you think this process presents an appropriate window of opportunity for the re engineering of societal values appertaining to the correct use of the lexicon.

Haven't got long Marvo, Mrs M and the Little Boss are all at the London Blog Meet. I knew something was up when he got his best shirt out and covered himself in some evil smelling stuff. I think he calls it aftershave, and they say my cat tray stinks! Mrs M was just as bad out with the hair straighteners again and then shouting at him to set the Sky+ box in case she missed I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Anyway my spies tell me they've all been in an Italian Restaurant in Edgware. My three, Meno, FaffaJane, Tobbot, MkFunky, CJ, and Znethru. Personally I think it’s all a bit weird you wouldn’t catch me sharing a bowl with a bunch of cats I’ve never met but that’s humans for you. Evidently things were going well until the third vat of red wine turned up but the good news is the police have called to say they will all be out by the morning and the restaurant will be open again by next weekend. Now does anyone know how to use a tin opener, I’m starving!
Catch You Later.
Pheebs

Its been a tough couple of days but after much contemplation in the outside loo I've decided to rule myself out of the England Managers job.

Well now our pampered Premiership superstars can start looking at next years holiday brochures who's in the running for the England job after Mr McLaren makes his inevitable trip to the job centre.

Bruce Forsythe: great experience, bound to get the lads laughing, could teach Wayne Rooney some decent dance steps. Favourite press conference saying, "nice to beat them to beat them nice!"

Simon Cowell: honest manner, good at bigging up people with limited talent, generally hated so will fit in immediately. Favourite press conference saying: "I've told Terry he won't be coming back next week."

Del Boy Trotter: ace motivator, good at slipping the ref the occasional monkey, owns Malcolm Allison style sheepskin coat. Favourite press conference saying:"Robinson, what a plonker!"

Ozzy Osbourne: Team talks more intelligible than Sven, bound to scare the opposition by biting the heads off bats in the dug out. Favourite press conference saying: "That was f** brilliant"

Top Cat: The ultimate team player who demands total loyalty from his side, plenty of devious ideas to fool the opposition. Favourite press conference saying "I told the boys just go go go run like you've got Officer Dibble on your tail."

Dr Who: capable of taking the tardis back to 1966 job done!

In my previous post I referred to the soon to be ex England manager Steve Mclaren as a Muppet. I now realise how deeply offensive that must have been for Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy and the Great Gonzo.

Steve McMuppet: Right lads gather round now, hold on where's Robinson?
Stevie Gerrard: You left him out boss.
Steve M: Did I right oh yes I remember Frank Carson you're in goal hope you've brought your gloves. Now that El Tel's plan to get the whole Croatia squad deported for stealing a newspaper at WH Smiths has failed (makes knowing glance towards Terry Venables who is selling a new watch to Anton Ferdinand at the time) I'm afraid we'll have to play after all. But never fear we only have to draw to go through so here's my new tactical masterplan. We're going to line up in a 1-9-1 formation. Frank Carson in goal nine of you on the goal line and we've sussed it.
Becks: But boss that only adds up to 10
Steve M: Well moving to LA has done wonders for your education David I'll give you that. So who have I missed out.
Becks: Crouch Steve
Steve M:(stoops down on his knees) oh you mean the big fella, Crouch where are you?
Crouch: I'm up here boss
Steve M: So you are now with Frank in goal and nine men on the line I've got the perfect job for you.
Crouch: Stay up front for the quick break?
Steve M: No you lie across the top of the nine men on the line in case they try and curl one into the top corner like a sort of mid air draught excluder. If Only Sir Alf would have thought of that against the Poles in 1973.
CRASH!!!!!
Steve M: Ey up what on earth was that.
Wright Phillips: It was Robinson Gov
Steve M: But I thought I'd made him tea boy
Wright Phillips: you did Gov but he's just dropped the tea tray!
Steve M: D'oh

Its been a hard couple of days the weathers been playing havoc with me farmers and I haven't got much sleep on account of the rumpus next door. I don't know whats been happening but they've been throwing tea cups around and the language well even I've learnt a few new words. Anyway this morning I did me usual bit of shopping in the bins and found this envelope see. To be honest I was a bit disappointed as me guts was rumbling and when I looked inside all I found was these two computer discs. Well normally I would have thrown them back and gone in search of breakfast round the back of the Old Mandarin chinky. As it was chucking it down I thought instead I'd make a bee line for the library. Its nice and warm in there and I think one of the girls behind the desk fancies me. When I got in there i thought I'll have a gander and see whats on them discs. Well would you Adam and Eve it I couldn't believe me eyes they only had 25 million names addresses and bank account details on them. Of course I quickly put them back in the envelope and did what any normal law abiding citizen would do, I put em up on e-bay! Bids are already up to £500,000 this time tommorow I'll be in Las Vegas!!

Merry Xmas
Stinky Stan
3rd Bin on the Left
Next to HM Revenue and Customs
Whitehall

Has there ever been a day when Land of Leather don't have a sale on?

Dear Mr Darling

Now that you've decided to bank roll Northern Rock for a bit longer me and the boys was wondering if we could take advantage of your generosity and get the punters I mean loyal tax payers to get us out of a temporary bit of bother we find ourselves in. Like the Rock we also made a few inadvisable investments. I told Big Ron that putting a monkey on the nose of the three dog at Walthamstow was very similar to the mistakes made by the American sub prime lending market, particularly when your only reason for investment is because the dog had a pee before the start which would make it lighter than the rest of the field. Unfortunately Big Ron didn't subscribe to my hypothesis and when I'd retrieved my teeth from the terrace I got up just in time to see him lose his wedge. So we were wondering if you couldn't see your way to lending us £2million in used fivers so that we can assure our investors, (some might call them debtors but I prefer to think of them as investors in our business) their money is safe and get Mad Morrie the bookie off our backs. We have a good amount of collateral (owing to the fact that we can't seem to shift it at the moment) and will be able to pay you back at a monkey a week to be delivered in a plain brown envelope on a Tuesday after the boys have done their rounds.

Hoping our terms are acceptable but if you feel the need to negotiate my professional team of Big Ron, Sid the Hatchet, and Killer Mcgee will be round at a moments notice. Don't forget we know where you live!

Kind regards

Freddie Fingers

Evidently these are examples of answers given by real quiz contestants!

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston : There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant : Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

Its been a while since I've been controversial but driving home I heard a radio interview that made my blood boil. The BBC were talking about political representation and a rumour that our wonderful government are about to allow black only short lists for parliamentary candidates. Supporting the idea was the usual PC campaigner who obviously couldn't see beyond the end of his nose. I must have been well wide of the mark all these years but I though democracy was about having a fair choice of the best candidates for the job not a pre selected list based on the colour of their skin. If a candidate is the best one I don't give a monkeys whether they are black, white, green, or any other colour. However presented with an ethnically edited candidate list I and I would presume thousands more people would highly resent their freedom of choice being removed. Surely if we are an ethnically diverse multicultural society as I'm always being told we should be able to rely on selection of the best candidates for the job. If I was one of them I'd want to win on my ability not on anything else. More initiatives like this will mean that once again we are in danger of returning to the bleak days of the 70's when racism was a massive issue.With so many people arriving from Eastern Europe this is the time to unite our country not pull it apart. Quite why these PC idiots can't see that I just don't understand.

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien warned his comrade saying, 'You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Yes Ware has finally hit the national news. This afternoon our brave lads will be taking on the mighty Kidderminster Harriers in the First Round of the FA Cup. Its the biggest match the town has seen for 40 years. For a town of only 20,000 they sold 2,300 tickets in a day earlier in the week . So good luck to the Ware boys I'll be there as they march on to FA Cup glory. Ware v Manchester United in Round 3 that has a nice ring about it!
COME ON YOU BLUES!!

Tessa Jowell "It's a stadium that delivers on everything we said we would deliver on; a stadium with track and field as its primary legacy; a stadium that will be reduced from 80,000 seats in Olympic mode to a 25,000-seater community base,"

Joe Public "Hold on isn't that a hole in the ground surrounded by seats and covered by a tent? Half a billion, you're having a laugh, its even got outside toilets!"

was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

Mondays gig from The Roundhouse by the legendary Ray Davies only on line until November 4th. Catch it while you can its a cracker
http://www.bbc.co.uk/electricproms/2007/artists/raydavies/