So now we are not allowed to eat processed meats or drink alcohol. But then again a little bit of alcohol wards off heart disease and red meats contain loads of important minerals? But of course if we eat 5 fruits a day we'll be fine unless they are in the form of a smoothie which has too much sugar. 30 minutes intense excercise a day should do it but not if you're breathing in traffic fumes which will accelerate your chance of getting pulmonary disease. My grandma drunk a bottle of gin a week, cooked with lard, made cakes with tons of sugar and hardly walked anywhere and she lived to be 101!! Help I'm confused

Haven't got long Mrs M has just called him downstairs to talk about his tea. I'm still doing my best to wind them up since they decided they want their family room back and as I'm now big enough I can sleep in the house at night. Damn cheek that was my room and now all Marvo does is watch football on my TV!! I've got my own back though I wait until he's fast asleep, (its easy to tell by the sound of snoring!) sneak into his bedroom and leap on his head. For some reason he doesn't see the funny side and I've learnt quite a few new words! Yesterday I was in great form Spike brought a mouse home but because he's a wimp he left it still alive under the bookcase. I wasn't having that so when it poked its nose out I pounced Mrs M screamed and Marvo almost broke his neck rushing down the stairs. It took the pair of them 20 minutes before I gave it up, these humans are so easy to control. Oops better be off I can hear Marvo's size 9's coming up the stairs.

See ya later!

Pheebs xxx

I'm not a violent person but I'm afraid if I met the first Mexican to start the wave because they were bored during the World Cup in their country I'd be hard pressed not to give him a good thumping. There I am at the new Wembley having survived the shock of £8 for a box of fish and chips and relented to pay £10 for a programme. I'm just settling down in my plastic seat to watch the Miami Dolphins and the New York Giants. The game I'll admit was hardly of the highest quality but it had its moments unfortunately though despite being fleeced for £55 a ticket I missed one of them because the guy in front decided to join in with a bloody Mexican Wave. Now if you want to leap out of your seat and wave your arms in the air like a demented idiot please have a good reason. Another cracking strike from Robin Van Persie a last minute Johnny Wilkinson drop goal or a classic Andy Murray passing shot on match point are all acceptable ones for such behaviour, because the crowd are bored and you have lost interest in the game isn't! When the wave failed at one point much to my relief a guy behind even said "lazy bastards on the lower teir!" Maybe we should abandon the action on the pitch and just hold a Mexican Wave championship instead.

While I'm ranting a special word is reserved for the patronising US TV interviewer who was asking fans on Wembley Way "Do you think it will take over from cricket or soccer?" Answer no and its Association Football not soccer now kindly get back across the pond quick!!!

Just got back from a few days on the West coast of Ireland. Cracking place great scenery friendly locals who have a habit of greeting you with "mornin" even though its 4 o'clock in the afternoon. We also had one day entirely rain free! One of the highlights of the trip had to be the hire car radio tuned into Mid West FM undoubtedly one of the most eccentric stations I've ever heard. The major advert is for liver fluke pills (not you Mrs the sheep!)and every morning at 9am they have a quick game of Bingo with the presenter calling out the numbers after telling everyone "and today we'll be using the pink tickets". Quite where you got a pink ticket to be in with a chance of winning 200 euros we never found out.

The big moment on Mid West FM though arrives after the 5 o'clock News when you get 10 minutes (its true!) of Death and Funeral Notices presented by a woman who must be sitting in the studio wearing a black cape carrying a scythe. Each cheery announcement starts with the words "the death has been announced" then she goes on to give all the details and tell you where you can go to the funeral. Obviously on Wednesday the timing went a little wrong and poor old Jimmy O'Briern was buried 15 minutes before his announcement. To cheer up any of his relatives who may have been distressed by this error after the last notice had been read they played a quick snippet of "Wake me up before you go go" by Wham followed by "start me up" by the Rolling Stones! You just couldn't make it up! But if you think I am take a look at http://www.midwestradio.ie/deathnotices.php?action=deathnotices you'll see the Death Notices just after the Sports News!

Forget those men playing with odd shaped balls the big sporting occasion over the next few days starts on Thursday. The Rye House Rockets speedway team travel to Sheffield for the first leg of the Championship Final. I'll be up in the frozen north cheering on the lads so good luck boys. Unlike some of our pampered superstars we're talking about guys who love their sport here. Anyone who flies round a track on a 500cc bike with no breaks deserves respect in my book.

Experts were scratching their heads last night when it was revealed a patient had gone into an NHS Hospital and returned home safely after surgery. Mr Norbert Throp of Neasden had a three day stay in hospital for a hernia operation and failed to catch MRSA or Clostridium difficile. NHS Trust spokesman Ivor Cockup said. "We simply can't understand it. We employ contract cleaners leave rubbish in the wards and instruct staff never to wash their hands but Mr Throp appears to have slipped through the net. Now we'll have to revise all our policies on how to cut waiting lists".

Hard worked NHS officials have issued advice to those patients struggling to find affordable dental treatment. The new guidance gives patients a choice of action if they are unable to find an NHS dentist. The two options in the guidance are described below.

Option 1.In case of severe tooth ache take one long piece of string. Tie one end around the offending tooth and the other round a door handle of your choice. Once the string is secure get a friend or member of the family to slam the door shut.

Option 2. If the symptoms persist travel to any bar in the Earls Court London area and upon arrival shout the words "Johnny Wilkinson". Then offer the offending side of your jaw to be thumped.This has the double effect of removing the troublesome tooth and giving you plenty of other pains to worry about during your recovery.

1.Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
2.Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
3.All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
4.Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
5.In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Postman Fred Tapas has hit out over Adam Crozier's remarks about Spanish practices adopted by Royal Mail workers. Speaking from his Villa in Costa Del Neasden Mr Tapas said." Olay! I don't know what he's on about I mean using a donkey to do my rounds is much more environmentally friendly than a van. I always take me own shovel and I've got the best roses in the street. People like my sombrero they say it brightens the place up and it acts as an emergency letter rack if I get too busy. I haven't had many people take up my offer of free Paella with every delivery although I can understand it would make a bit of a mess of the hall carpet when poked through the letterbox. My colleagues at the post office in the High Street are right behind my idea of releasing a couple of bulls on a Thursday afternoon though. They say it certainly hurries the pensioners along a treat."

Two days into the new term and there has already been more controversy at the world famous Westminster Academy. The school that hit the headlines when then Head Boy Tony "Fibber" Blair fooled the sixth form into voting to attack the nearby Saddam College has never been far from the headlines. The latest scandal involves an allegation of homework stealing. Snotty Cameron Minor of the lower fourth has accused Spotty Brown of the upper fifth of taking his homework when he wasn't looking. Cameron said "Just because I put on a better speech at the school debating society he nicked my homework. My essay on Inheritance Tax was a masterpiece and I definitely saw Spotty take it out of my bag and give it to his chum Darling Darling." Taking time out from his morning visit to the school tuck shop Spotty Brown categorically denied any wrong doing. "Everyone knows Cameron is just a cry baby my friend Darling Darling had been working on that essay for weeks. He would have shown it to me but he left it on the bus and then when he'd done it again the dog ate it." Cameron was last seen in the boys toilets sobbing "Two Ton Boris is going to get Spotty Brown after school for this!"

Chief of Defence Staff Sir Jock Stirrup

I'm 11 weeks and a bit now and that cheapskate Marvo still hasn't given me my own Blog so I've had to sneak on here and use his while he's downstairs talking to Mrs M. Well I've settled in pretty well at Marvo Towers and am now definitely running the place. I may be a small Kitten on the outside but I'm a Lion on the inside that's why I try to attack the other two cats in the house despite the fact they're 10 times bigger than me. I went to the vets the other week, there I was being made a fuss of by a nice lady in a white coat and the next thing I know she's stuck a needle in my neck. Could be worse though Spike tells me when he went she stuck a thermometer up his bum!! I'll be ready for her if she tries any of that lark. I am getting pretty sharp at chasing my squeaky mouse these days and my favourite occupation is to chase the cursor across the screen when Marvo's typing, boy does that wind him up. On Saturday I tried to make up for it by jumping on his shoulder purring in his ear then sitting on his head, for some reason he didn't see the funny side, but thats humans for you. Well better be off as I think he's coming back up stairs and I overheard them say I'm due at the vets again on Wednesday so I've got to go sharpen my claws!

Luv

Pheebs xxx

"A school is planning to axe Halloween in a bid to avoid offending religious parents.
Pupils at Tonna Primary School in Wales were looking forward donning spooky costumes for a traditional Halloween party.
Instead teachers at the school in Neath want October 31 to be called the Autumn Festival and will celebrate it with a regular disco."

Presumably we'll be banning Christmas again this year because it might offend a few pagans. What a load of old Warlocks!

Nothing Can Change This Love I Have For You by Sam Cooke
that's what I call soul music pure class

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the
distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to
find a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The
Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie?.... They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
first."
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show
you that I am bigger than that".

"If you continue over that hill to the east for about two
miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie."

If one more politician mentions choice I'll I'll oh I don't know I can't choose which horrible death to send them to. What is all this choice stuff? We're supposed to be able to choose what treatment we have and where. Right, for most of us thats a trip to A&E if we can find one open within a 30 mile radius, some choice. When I was a kid you went to the doctor (old Dr Bowen, god bless him, in my case)he had a look at you told you what was wrong and gave you something to cure it. He didn't say "well lad I'm afraid you've got a broken leg now how would you like us to treat it? You can have the plaster cast, limp around in agony four 8 weeks or we can amputate its your choice! Back in 2003 I sat with my Dad who had just been diagnosed with cancer and at 83 you could tell by the look on his face he was totally bemused by a specialist who asked him "what course of action would you like us to take?". That look said "You're the bloody doctor so you tell me!". Isn't choice just another word for "cop out". If it all goes pear shaped we're sorry but it was your choice

I'm afraid I have to get it off my chest I've been carrying it around for far too long so here goes. If I was asked to name my top 50 songs of all time somewhere in there would be "Alone Again Naturally" by Gilbert O'Sullivan. There I've done it, do I need therapy. Quick nurse the screens!!!!

How to allocate jobs within a Local Authority

At the corporate induction, put all new employees in a room with 400 bricks and leave them alone in the room for 6 hours.

When you return,

1. If they're counting the bricks, put them in Accounts
2. If they're recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing
3. If they've messed the whole room up with bricks everywhere, put them in Engineering
4. If they've arranged the bricks in an illogical order, put them in Planning
5. If they're throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Communications
6. If they're sleeping, put them in Committee Services
7. If they've all got different ideas of what to do, put them in Legal
8. If they've broken the bricks into pieces, put them in IT
9. If they're sitting idle chatting about last night's TV, put them in HR
10. If they have left for the day, make them Managers
11. If they're staring out of the window looking blank, put them in Strategic Planning
12. If they've moved the bricks into several different patterns but returned them to their original positions, make them Senior Managers
13. If one has surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they cannot be seen or heard, they're probably the current Chief Executive