A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite, words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour on The Bedpost Overnight by Lonnie Donegan....Pure Genius

I thought this was a wind up but it appears the Red Arrows have been banned from the 2012 Olympics because they are "too British and they might offend other nations" according to the Department of Culture Media and Sport. It seems that this is just the beginning as a spokesman from the Society of Pearly Kings and Queens Fred Kneesup said yesterday "Would you adam and eve it eh? They've only gone and banned our members from the parade as health & safety are worried cause someone might be blinded by the current bun reflecting off our whistles!" It doesn't stop there evidently at a meeting of the Ministries top team Civil Servant Tamsin Politically - Correct told the assembled panel. "We are currently in high level discussion with Sebastian Coe as we feel that the appearance of the GB team at the games may upset some other nations and in the spirit of equal opportunities for all we may be asking him to withdraw team GB from the Olympics allowing the others to get on with winning all the medals in peace." The Department is also concerned that typical British food may also offend visiting spectators so are considering applying a 20 mile fish and chip and jellied eel exclusion zone around London's East End

PS: If you want to sign the petition about the Red Arrows go to http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/RedArrows2012

Well winter is just around the corner and as my Dad used to say "it's turning Parky out there." Never really knew what that meant for years I thought it was something to do with him being a fan of Michael Parkinson! Anyway I digress now that the brass monkeys are just around the corner thoughts at Marvo Towers have turned to next years summer holiday.Being a very democratic household for the last few years its been my vote to go to North America (usually Canada) one year and the girls vote for somewhere hot the next. Last year it was Canada so this year they are seeking the sun. Only problem is they can't decide where. Little Boss likes Portugal ironically Praia da Luz where the whole McCann thing happened while Mrs M is edging towards Cyprus. In the middle is me and I kind of fancy Italy as I'll do anything for a bowl of top pasta. Anyone got any ideas all we need is a nice apartment a swimming pool a good beach and some nice restaurants. Oh and a bit of current bun of course

1.Gordon suddenly decides that every NHS Hospital needs a deep clean as he's finally noticed that you have a greater chance of dying of something you catch in the wards than from the condition you went in for in the first place. Is this the same Gordon who was a major driver in privatising all the NHS cleaning contracts, surely not. Now he has conclusive proof that contracting out doesn't work he's trying the same trick in Local Government. Five years down the line he'll be advocating deep cleaning every Borough in the country while the contractors will all be living in Marbella with the millions they've creamed off

2.Tragic as the story of the 10 year old boy who drowned in a lake last week was, does anyone else agree it was a little out of order for his family to blame the Police Support Officer's who didn't dive in to his rescue. Shouldn't someone be asking why her parents let an 8 year old girl play near a deep lake? When the Little Boss was that age I was paranoid about keeping her away from the garden pond.

3. Is it the weather that's making me feel grumpy today? Anyone get caught in a tornado?

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.....................................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

So I've been defeated by an 8 week old kitten! Yes as from the weekend or when I get round to it I'll be going Pro and Phoebe will have her own Blog. She likes the sound of Phoebe's World - Life Through Cats Eyes. What do you think?

I was going to put more pictures of Phoebe the kitten up but I realise I've only got 400kb left. So its decision time do I turn Pro and let Phoebe have her own Blog or do I continue to be a cheapskate. There's only one thing for it let the people decide!

Ok I admit it I didn't know it would go this far though honest. I mean old Gordon had been asking me for a few bob for years just to bail the government out like. Always a man of his word though paid up every month no bother a proper gent. So when some geezer in a sharp whistle from the Northern Rock turns up I thought it was just another deal. He needed a couple of million and the interest would pay for er indoors to get those diamond encrusted door knobs she'd got her heart set on. How was I to know they would welch on the deal eh. OK so my old granddad said never trust anyone from north of Wapping Freddie but I mean times have changed. So it was just business I mean I've got a reputation to keep up so I had to send the boys round to give them a little reminder. How was I to know it would cause a national financial crisis I've got bills to pay like the rest of you. If I have a cash flow problem I borrow a few monkeys off Fat Ron down the dog track. Funny thing he gave me a call earlier said he'd had some bloke from the Cheltenham & Gloucester on. Anyway thats my story and I'm sticking to it, now if you don't mind I've got a bloke from the Bank of England coming round later and I've got to work out me interest rates so we can buy another solid gold karsi.

Freddie Fingers
Loan Shark To The Toffs
Beckham Palace
Romford

Hi I'm Phoebe. What a day I had yesterday there was I playing with my sister Marie and my brother Trevor (I know poor boy but you know what humans are like!) in my home in Suffolk when a big shiny silver thing pulled up and three humans got out. Pricking up my ears I heard them talking about taking one of us to live with them. Well those humans think we're daft but I knew they weren't going to keep the three of us and as Marie was always sleeping it was between me and Trev. Of course I knew I was the best but they didn't seem to like my daredevil act along the curtains or the time I escaped through the kitchen window. Anyway so the humans were talking in the kitchen and I heard one of them say "don't be silly the least we can do is buy the dinner." So that was their game eh! Little Phoebe the prettiest cat in the whole of Suffolk sold for a Chinese Take Away, the cheek of it! So I have new owners (well thats what I let them think as I know I'm in charge). There's the big one with the grey hair someone called Marvo the blonde one with the nice smile he calls Mrs M and the other one they call the Little Boss (that's what she thinks!). Well its not so bad here although I miss the family a bit especially my play fights with Trevor. They've given me a nice room though its got a big telly in it but I haven't sussed out how to turn it on yet and there's loads of toys. Oh well that's all for now as I fancy a nice nap so I can wake up and annoy Marvo when he's watching the rugby this afternoon.
See You Later
Pheebs

An old lady was discovered wandering around 10 Downing Street reports say she claimed to have been a previous tenant before making off with two silver candle sticks and a small cat. Police have advised the public that despite her advancing years this woman is still extremely dangerous and should not to let into their homes under any circumstances.

So will Mr Mclaren finally have the bottle to leave out the prima donas, Lampard, Beckham, Rooney and stick with the guys that have just given us a great chance of qualifying for Euro 2008? Over two games Gareth Barry was immense and surely with Stevie Gerrard we have found the perfect midfield partnership. The much maligned Emile Heskey caused nightmares for the Russians and formed a perfect double act with Michael Owen. In the words of Ian wright it was simple we knocked it up to the big bloke he knocked it down and the little bloke scored! No poncy Hoddle Christmas trees there. Last time we had a manager with the courage to pick a team instead of individuals we actually won something even if it was 41 years ago. I'm sure if Sir Alf was looking down he enjoyed that.

Ok I know I've been a bit lax recently not posted very regularly but what's going on with this little morph like blue thing that wants me to know about the new style site? There was I just getting used to the old one and everything has changed again. Is there an idiots guide? Then again as someone said in the office today if you can't work something out the last thing you want is a guide written by an idiot!

So Gordon we've got to accept below inflation pay increases or it will wreck the economy by increasing public spending. I assume then that all those City fat cats who blow their 6 figure bonus cheques on Chelsea Tractors and buy to lets have no effect at all then? Obviously I need to hand in my Economics 'O' level or would you like it instead

I went to see the new Dad's Army play at Stevenage last week and jolly good it was too. Its always difficult putting an iconic British comedy on the stage but the cast carried it off very well. Leslie Grantham (Dirty Den) was predictably sound as Private Walker while David Warwick (Reggie Perrin's Son)was superb as Wilson. The guy who played Fraser also deserves a mention as he could have been John Laurie's son. As well as some fine acting and lots of laughs it also featured the best theater bio I've ever read which included the great lines Brian Jackson may be remembered as the original Man from Del Monte! How could we ever forget if Dad's Army comes your way I suggest you definitely "Say Yes" if only for the man from Del Monte

Artery.....................................The study of paintings
Bacteria.................................Back door to a cafeteria
Barium................................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign...................................What you be after you be eight
Caesarean Section..............A neighbourhood in Rome
Cauterize...............................Made eye contact with her
Colic........A sheep dog
Coma.........................A punctuation mark
Dilate...................................To live long
Enema...................................Not a friend
Fester....................................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.....................................A small lie
Impotent........Distinguished, well known
Labour pain..........Getting hurt at work
Medical staff.....................A Doctor's cane
Morbid....................................A higher offer
Nitrates...................................Cheaper than day rates
Node........................................I knew it
Outpatient.....A person who has fainted
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis
Post operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery room.....................Place to do upholstery
Rectum...................................Nearly killed him
Secretion................................Hiding something
Seizure.......Roman emperor
Tablet........................A small table
Urine.......................................Opposite of you're out

Anybody catch Channel 4's new reality show called Dumped. Usually I do anything to avoid them but this one had me and the Little Boss fascinated while Mrs M was upstairs watching Silent Witness. 10 people from a semi pro footballer and a model to an eco warrior and a really geeky student left to survive for 3 weeks on a landfill in Croydon (honest). It was a cross between I'm a nobody get me out of here and big brother complete with mountains of rubbish. Part 2 tomorrow at 9pm.

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

Wedding Anniversary Party about to start Mother in Law is bound to turn up first followed by another 60! House in total panic Why did I volunteer for this I could have my feet up watching the Arsenal! See you all later