Never work with Children Animals or members of Joe Public i should have listened to my old Grandad who's other great sayings included "if you go into hospital boy always have the salad they can't bugger that about." anyway I digress. This afternoon at work we received a visit from a woman who was as they say in a "proper paddy". No she hadn't discovered the next door neighbours had gone down with the Black Death or that Osama Bin Laden had set up a kebab Van outside her house she was in fact scared stiff because she had found a big black caterpillar in her garden. Of course when you find one of those its only natural to take it all the way to the Local Authority and demand someone identify it. Perhaps luckily for her one of our junior technicians spotted it as an Elephant Hawk Moth I'm afraid if it had come near my desk it would definitely have been the "Brick Eating Jaws Beetle! Sorry Madam we'll have no alternative but to close off the street and Napalm all your back gardens of course they'll be a small surcharge on your Council Tax!"

Remind me why did I ever become a public servant

Well another Bank Holiday over and all rather pleasant except for the usual visit to the Mother in Laws (MIL) on Sunday. First time since we've been back from holiday and what's worse she was away as well!! Its like that horrible time at work that you realise you've booked the same 2 weeks annual leave as your boss. So we got the expected "How was Canada? Fine now when we were down the Rhine.........". If talking was an Olympic sport she would win the gold no question. As the great Les Dawson once said "I haven't spoken to my MIL in 5 years. It's not that I don't get on with the woman I'm just not quick enough to interrupt"

Well on Sunday we got 2 classics one was "we're seeing Auntie Edna next week only problem with her is she never stops talking!" and the other was "Thank god that awful Tim Henman has finally retired." It was in fact a sad day for me when Tim announced he would be hanging up his tennis shoes. Despite the slating he's received during his career before him we had the likes of Jeremy Bates and Andrew "smoothie" Castle to cheer both total non entities in the world of top notch tennis. Tim was unlucky in that his era also contained two of the best in Sampras and Federer but that wasn't his greatest claim to fame. His greatest achievement was to wind my MIL up something chronic for some totally unknown reason she hated him. Not that I played on it at all. Many is the time I'd enter with the words "Henman did well yesterday" to provoke a diatribe of middle class venom. Strange really Greg "I'm not Canadian because I'm an Arsenal fan" Rusedski was fine by her even when he produced his masterclass in 4 letter words the other year on live TV. So Tim I'll miss you a bit for the tennis but most of all for the effect on the MIL.

There is though a happy ending to the tale as during this years Wimbledon she was heard to say "I hope Federer wins as I can't stand that Nadal." So hats off to the new champion go go Raffa!!

This week Cockney Rhyming Slang.
Lesson one: Interpret the following church sermon from that great comedian Sir Ronald of Barker.

"A long time ago, in the days of the Israelites there lived a poor man. He had no Trouble and Strife – she had run off with a Tea Leaf some years before – and now he lived with his Bricks and Mortar Mary, and being very short of Bees and Honey and unable to pay the Burton on Trent he was tempted to go into the Bristol and see what he could Half Inch. He would say to Mary “I will take a Ball and Chalk into the town and buy some tobacco for my Cherry Ripe. He put on his Almond Rocks and his Dicky Dirt and his Round The Houses and set off down the Frog and Toad until he reached the outskirts of the Bristol. One day his Bricks and Mortar gave him some money saying “Here is a Saucepan Lid go and buy food. A loaf of Uncle Fred and a pound of Stand at Ease, but bring me back what is left to buy myself a new pair of Early Doors for my present pair are full of holes and I am in a continual George Raft.”

But instead of returning with the Bees and Honey for his Bricks and Mortar’s Early Doors he made his way to the Rub a Dub for a Tumble Down The Sink. He became very Elephants Trunk and Mozart and when the landlord of the Rub a Dub called Bird Lime the man set off towards his Cat and Mouse reeling about all over the Frog and Toad and drunkenly humming a Stewed Prune. It came to Khyber Pass that as he staggered along he saw on the pavement a small brown Richard The Third. He stared at it lying there at his Plates of Meat and he said, “oh small brown Richard The Third how lucky I did not step on you.” He picked it up and put it on top of a wall where no one could step on it. A rich Four by Twoish merchant who witnessed the deed put his hand into his Sky Rocket and took out a Lady Godiva and handed it to the man saying. “ Here is a Lady Godiva for your Froth and Bubble.” The man took it and the Richard the Third flew back to its nest.

When the man arrived home his Bricks and Mortar was sitting by the Jeremiah on her favourite Lionel Blair. The man said to her “here is a Lady Godiva which I earned by a kindly act. The woman was overjoyed and said. “Thank you father now I can have my Early Doors. “And I can have a Tumble Down the Sink that kindly act has ensured that we both have enough to cover our Bottle and Glass”

Another match another defeat for England but not only did we lose on the pitch at Wembley tonight we also lost on the bench. There was Steve "Yes Sven" Mclaren looking like a model from George at Asda while his German counterpart Joachim Lowe was sporting a very natty scarf arrangement over his designer shirt and trousers. Now if England are going to qualify for next seasons European Championships old Steve has just got to smarten up his act. I suggest while he's coaching Mrs Mac is dispatched to bring back some vital fashion accessories.
1 monacle
1 top hat
1 England Team cravat
1 pair of England logo spats
1 pair of tweed plus fours
With that lot on Steve would be bound to look the business and success would be assured because while the opposition were rolling about laughing even Kieron Dyer might score!!!

England Boss Steve Mclaren at his post match press conference.

Just looked at the stats for the blog and its showing I had 2274 page views yesterday I'd like to think I'm famous but I fear as Manuel said in Fawlty Towers the web counter "He go crazy!"

Great news story doing the rounds today.
Bin men in a seaside town have been given stab-proof trousers, it emerged today.

The so-called "ballistic" trousers are designed to protect the bin men from rubbish rather than street violence in Christchurch, Dorset.

So now we'll have to change the song, altogether now...

My Old Mans a Dustman
He Wears a Safety Hat
He Wears Ballistic Trousers
And He Lives In Workers Affordable Social Housing!

RIP Lonnie Donegan.

Don't you just love the first day back after holiday, 170 e-mails and an in tray that has actually cracked under the weight!! But as I always say I'm employed from 9-5 so what doesn't get done just doesn't get done. While I've been away our authority have completed their hilarious Public Consultation exercise where they rustled up a couple of sandwiches and invited the locals in to have their say. A noble idea you might think but obviously the population didn't agree as less than 100 out of 90,000+ bothered to turn up! OK the council sandwiches are a bit naff and a whole evening talking about Public Accountability is not exactly a viable alternative to Eastenders but it tells you a bit about how much people care. To make matters worse those policy people (get a proper job!!!) have now turned out a document which is supposed to shape Council policy for the next 5 years based on the comments of 0.1% of their population. Ah its so good to be back! All the time I was away I worried the world would come to its senses but now its comforting to know its just as mad as when I left it

So there I was in an understandably jet lagged state trying to open a Building Society account for next years holiday fund. Nothing major just a few bob for our next trip. Well that's what I thought until Mrs M and I went into the Halifax. Having picked up a leaflet we thought we'd make it nice and simple and open one of their liquid gold accounts (a really bad name I admit). We were greeted by an assistant who asked why we wanted the account, how much we wanted in it and a hail of questions that made the Spanish Inquisition sound tame. After all that we were told "you need £500 to open that one" despite the fact it said £50 on the leaflet and in fact £1 if you were under 21!!. When told this she brushed us aside with a "oh they must have changed it." : Our new financial friend then informed us we would have to phone to get a reference number which we would then have to bring back to the branch for an appointment with an "advisor" before we could open an account.Quite why she couldn't get the reference number was beyond me At that point we looked at each other made our excuses and left.:

Having seen those great adverts for the Nationwide which prides itself on making things simple we headed there next. Yes you've guessed it we got the same well you'll have to see an "advisor" and no one is available now so we can make you an appointment routine.So much for the ads obviously a case for the advertising standards people if I wasn't so tired (its not pleasant my head thinks its 12 noon, my legs say 8am and I won't go in to what my inside workings are doing!)

So that was two down and me wondering whether I had returned to the right planet. There I was trying to give these people money so that they could invest it at a profit while paying me a minuscule amount of interest on the deal and they wanted me to jump over more hurdles than an Olympic athlete! Surely there was someone who wouldn't try to delve into my entire financial history in order to try to grab some of my cash by selling me some account I don't want. Well just as I was losing hope along came the Saffron Walden Building Society. The difference was amazing. "Of course you can open an account just fill in this form give us some ID and some money and we'll sort it all out so you can pick your book up in the week." We were in and out in 10 minutes. So well done Halifax and Nationwide your over the top financial advisor policy lost this customer and I'm sure plenty of others as well. More power to the Saffron Walden who at least seem to understand that some people are capable of knowing what they want!

Touched down at Stansted at 10am and so we are all trying to keep jet lag at bay. A terrific time again in Canada if you haven't been go!! Thanks to Meno and Hubby for a great night in Little Italy tried to fulfill my hug quota! Amazing what the web lets you do 5 years ago we would never had met. From feeding Dave the tame chipmunk to the Little Boss having a spin on a Siddoo with a dob of baseball for me and plenty of good dining for Mrs M thrown in it was a great holiday.
Took this one off the back of the Maid of the Mist at Niagra.

Here's Dave the tame chipmunk a fiesty little chap who fought off squirrels and blue jays to get his peanuts!

Well that's all for now matchsticks required as jet lag is setting in.