According to a news report, a certain private school in Cork was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the toilets and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

Young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on
my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave
him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!"

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the
British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his
miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!

A is for Agassi little bald bloke who ran around a lot and had a devastating backhand. Married Steffi Graff.

B is for Boris big German bloke won the tournament at 17 and then got caught in a cupboard with a waitress.

C is for Cash what you need to get in as the All England Club don't believe in credit cards unless you're buying something from their hugely inflated shop. Its also for Pat who won the title in 1987 and climbed up the stand to hug his dad (ahh!)

D is for Djokovic Serbian youngster who's my outside bet for the title.

E is for Equal Pay for the first time men and women get the same.

5-5 Final Set play Suspended You're Having a Laugh!! (Come on Tim!!)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg?" the bartender asks. "You didn't have that
before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine
now." says the pirate.
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked
the bartender.
"We were in another battle." replied the pirate. "I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm
fine, really."
So the bartender asks, "What about that eye patch?" The pirate replies,
"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked
up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding, " said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird crap."

Today I sat next to a man who had won the "Think Tank of the Year Award 2004" When I suggested that was about as much use as being the editor of the Guest Publication on Have I Got News For You surprisingly he wasn't impressed So OK what the heck is a Think Tank any ideas

Been very busy and a bit depressed after the cat incident sorry I haven't been able to catch up with what you are all up to. Normal service will be resumed shortly I promise. - Marvo

Occasionally life hits you straight between the eyes when you least expect it. Our small cat was run over and killed today she was only 1 and found by the side of the road only about a quarter of a mile from home. No matter how many times you tell yourself "get your act together it was only a cat" you still feel devastated. As I'm writing this we're waiting for her brother to come home I wonder how he will feel? They never really got on so he probably won't notice. Its at times like this you wonder if you didn't care you wouldn't hurt. But I suppose it would be a sad world if we all felt like that. So for the next couple of days the usual Marvo wit might be in short supply.

London socialite Bermondsey Soup - Kitchen has refused to be placed on the psychiatric wing of Holloway jail after being sent back to prison by Lord Justice Stringemup on Friday. Bermondsey the heiress to a shed full of Heinz Cream of Tomato told her solicitor “I’m not mad they’re getting me mixed up with that Paris Travelodge.” Ms Soup – Kitchen was given a 45-day sentence for driving a Tesco trolley without a licence last month. She had originally been released after just three days of her sentence in line with the governments “oh gawd we’re running out of space quick guidelines”. A successful appeal was lodged by her legal support team Mesrs Stichup Stichup and Cockup though, who claimed their client was in fact too harmless to release back into the community. The court accepted their argument and released violent psychopath Arthur “Two Axes” Harris instead. As we went to press Harris’s whereabouts are unknown.

Now this one is shared with Mrs M. When the Little Boss was about 6 like all dutiful parents we got her a slide for the garden. As usual it came flat packed for self assembly in a big box. Mrs M did that normal woman thing of trying to be sensible and read the instructions while I did that man thing and leapt straight in with the screwdriver. "You just read those while I do all the work" I sneered. I was having a great time putting all the bits together and had it finished in no time. There were no bits left and everything looked good until I stood it on the lawn only to realise the slide was pointing up in the air instead of down at the grass. What a numpty I felt

Yes its true dear readers I'm not perfect I too have to admit I've suffered more than a few Numpty moments. One of my favourites was on a family holiday in Dorset many years ago when we attended the Devon County Show. We were staying on a farm at the time and the farmer had kindly offered to drive us there. When we arrived he said he'd arranged for me and my Dad to have top seats to look at the show jumping competition in the main arena. He pointed to a trailer overlooking the arena with 6 chairs on it and said "there you go you'll have a great view from up there. I'll join you in a minute I've just got to go to the toilet" So like a pair of prize Numptys we climbed up and sat down thinking how kind our host had been. Ten minutes went by and there was no sign of him, then suddenly our prime viewing spot was invaded by four men in tweed jackets and two women in flowing dresses. It turns out they were the judges and we were in their seats! As we exited red faced all we could hear was our farmer host and all his mates laughing their heads off!

Don't know what's going on this week. The supply of good jokes has dried up, the news has been uninspiring, even George Bush has admitted global warming is occurring (although he'll still do nothing about it!). Last night I thought there would finally be a source of inspiration but no, old golden balls did the biz and England beat Estonia 3-0. That meant I couldn't even moan about Steve Mcloser or his mate Diamond Tel. I'm beginning to believe this is a conspiracy to stop me blogging. At least today my employers came partially to the rescue with their new corporate strategy that promises a rolling 2.5% annual cut in budget. Now maths is not my best subject but doesn't that mean in 40 years there will be no budget left
I hope they keep enough to pay my pension!

Few years to go yet but when I get there i'll definitely try this one

The other day I went into town to shop at Woolworth's. I was only in
there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn tyres.

So I called him a ****head. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 5 minutes. The more I abused him, the more he

wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
at my age.

After the outrage over the cartoon of a pink Larry Grayson doing the I'm a Little Teapot dance that we seem to have adopted as our Olympic 2012 Logo there has been a late entry into the competition. Below is a new logo I lovingly prepared in 5 minutes while waiting for Mrs M to cook the tea. If Seb Coe is interested I thought £100,000 in used notes would be a fair price for such a work of undoubted quality. What do you think, we could form a consortium of logo designers and clean up

Yes we have returned from the annual trip to sunny Devon and for the most part it was as well. Even got a nice red face after sunbathing on Friday ! As always every holiday is a learning experience. We learnt the Little Boss can survive without the current boyfriend (who will be henceforth known on this Blog as Dan The Man) as long as he can phone her every night. The bungalow had an incoming land line as there was no mobile signal so a result there. I learnt you should not obediently follow your SatNav (henceforth known on this blog as "Richard") because the little electronic demon will lead you well up the garden path believing your car can swim if its the shortest route from Exeter to Dartmouth. Finally Mrs M learnt never to flash her crab sandwich in public or one of those cheeky seagulls will have it away in a flash! So its back home for a few weeks and next stop Canada in July.