Haven't got long just taking a break before Mrs M finds me something else to do. Tomorrow is the annual family trip to Devon for the week and I've just packed enough stuff into the car for about 12. My gear Mp3 player, baseball cap, jeans T shirt and jacket sorted. Mrs M and the Little Boss have a whole bag full of shoes, we're only going for a week. By the look of the weather forecast I don't need a Toyota I should be constructing an Ark but we live in hope that as usual they've done a Michael Fish and we might find a bit of sunshine. If not at least its a week off work I will though miss keeping up with how everyone is doing. I've also forgotten to apply for annual leave from my governmental position on the Isle of Kevin so I hope there are no great crises involving Doris's cream buns and bus loads of ravenous pensioners while I'm away. Have a good week one and all catch up with you next Saturday. - Marvo

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man, I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Songs for Modern Britain Track 1

My Old Mans A Dustman

Now my old mans a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
But now he only comes round every fortnight
and me house is full of rats

I Thank you!

So there I was at the Thistle Hotel Charing Cross listening to Ian Pearson MP rabbit on about Climate Change. First I thought if you harnessed the combined egos of the top table, who had already told us how the people of Kirklees and Woking were well on their way to saving the planet, you would get an inexhaustible supply of energy Then I opened my delegate pack to see people had traveled from as far away as County Durham and Dorset, presumably by eco friendly means although I doubt it. Inside I found a copy of House Magazine the weekly publication of the Houses of Parliament which I must admit I've never seen on Have I got New For You although it would make a perfect guest publication. Inside it told us how much the government were doing to forward the green agenda. Only problem was it came wrapped in its individual plastic bag

Then we were treated to a statement from the man who was skeptical that all this was happening and asked why didn't we get more nuclear power stations and fire shells up into the atmosphere to deflect the suns rays. Good value he was, especially the looks he got from the highly esteemed panel that said "if this was the 16th century mate you would have been burnt at the stake in a carbon neutral way of course!".

Finally there was one question I was dying to ask but I'll admit didn't have the bottle. If I had summoned up the necessary it would have gone something like this. "Ladies and Gentleman whilst finding your attempts to save the planet laudable I wonder if I could draw your attention to one thing. Whilst you have been spouting on about solar panels wind turbines and biomasses (I thought that was a Mcdonald's burger!) have any of you noticed that with the sun streaming through the windows on this delightful day in the capital you've left all the bloody lights on!"

Well the Little Boss has entered the world of boyfriends. She's been going steady for nearly six weeks now with the same boy and for me as a parent this raises a serious dilemma. As boys go young Dan is a nice lad very polite even eats his greens and doesn't drink his own bathwater (as far as I know!) but there is just one thing as a responsible adult I cannot ignore. He's a Tottenham fan. So what should I do let my Arsenal instincts get the better of me and send him packing with his blue and white scarf between his legs or grin and bear it for the sake of the Little Boss. Help I need advice!!

The future of Prince Harry was left in the balance after it was revealed that he would not be able to take up his chosen career due to safety fears. Attempts by the Prince to train to be a life guard at the local lido had already been thwarted when it was decided that he might stand a chance of drowning. His application to be a Lollipop Man outside the nearby Ponsonby Smythe School for Toffs was also turned down as it was felt he could be crushed by a runaway Chelsea Tractor. A frustrated Harry told the press "its so unfair I hate you all!" It now looks like his final attempts to avoid sponging off the civil list have also hit a dead end. Having graduated with honours after an extensive training course subsidised by the tax payer it has been decided sending him on a tour of duty at Mcdonalds Neasden branch is just too risky. Ronald Mcdonald (not that one) head of Recruitment Training and Milkshakes said "We just couldn't take the chance of him facing a bunch of yobs on a Friday night and asking Does One Want Fries With That? He would have become a target and also put his workmates in danger."

Chelsea boss Jose Moaniho was angry today at rumors that the FA may throw his team out of the FA Cup before Saturdays big final against Moonchester Disunited. Moaniho was reacting to stories that he received an early morning alarm call from the Metropolitan Police regarding an unquarrantined player. "Yes a nice policeman did knock down my door this morning and trampled on my boiled egg. I told them I had nothing to hide it is all how you say a storm in a dogs bowl." He said. Rumors persist that the FA are ready to take action over centre back John Terrier who its claimed had been smuggled into the country following a European trip without the appropriate injections. Moaniho was quick to point out that he had not brought Terrier from Portugal when he took over at the club saying. "I found John at the training ground playing with an old sock. We trained him up stopped him peeing against the goalposts and biting the trainer. He's now a world class centre back. Every time we have taken him to Europe we've kept him in his cage with a muzzle on. We even did that when we went to Liverpool!" Club officials are concerned that the FA may now start an investigation into other members of the squad with Petra Cech, Ashley Collie,Frank Lampost and Didier Dogba all coming under the spotlight. There appears though no substance to the rumor that Moaniho's summer transfer targets include Watford's Danny Shitzu and former defender Robert Woof.

Douglas Adams may have written the words for Marvin the Paranoid Android as a joke but today I know just how our metal chum was feeling. Having got home from work in quite a happy mood I found out one of our friends had been struck by tragedy again. 18 months ago she lost her husband suddenly, he was only in his mid 40's and a top bloke. That left her alone to bring up 3 kids one of which was born 2 days after the Little Boss so was just into teenage territory. Last week one of her best friends committed suicide 3 days after she'd had her as a house guest. You feel really helpless when you see a good friend going through hell. We've had a long standing dinner date booked for tomorrow night which hopefully we'll keep as I guess the only positive thing you can do at times like this is let your friends know you're there if they need you.

Dennis Whitaker was our headmaster and he scared the hell out of me. Cloak, mortar board the full business and to add to the illusion he was a dour Yorkshireman who bore an uncanny resemblance to Sir Anthony Hopkins and had his sense of humour removed at birth. I only saw Dennis smile twice once at the school concert when he was doing his rendition of Stanley Holloway's "Lion and our Albert" monologue and the other when he was forced to sit under the soaking machine at the school fete. Come to think of it the latter which had him under a bucket of water that was released if the punters hit a target was more of a grimace. Sort of if I get a soaking you'll pay on Monday. The Stanley Holloway incident was probably because Albert a spotty lad ends up being eaten by a lion, I'm sure Dennis would have liked to have had one as a prefect.

He was hot on appearance so much so that he regularly marched boys with hair touching their collars to have a short back and sides at the local barbers. Somehow I don't think he would have got away with that in todays PC age. We had monthly hair inspections and had strict rules on uniform. Jumpers had to be grey and we were banned from wearing round collared shirts (popular in the middle 70's as the collars stuck up at a angle making you look cool.)The hair inspections weren't a problem as Mum under protest back combed my barnet and covered it in hairspray to make sure it hovered just above my collar. The green jumper was concealed under the blazer as soon as I saw Dennis coming but one day the inevitable happened.

I was looking the other way and as I bounded down the main stairs who did I walk into but Dennis. Luckily the hair stayed in place but my blazer burst open and he came out with the comment that haunted me throughout the rest of my schooldays. Looking at my round collar sticking out on both sides he screamed "What on earth is that. You look like you're going to sprout wings and take off lad. My office 2pm." That set the seal on months of being called wings and what's more I never wore my favourite green jumper or round collared shirt for school again.
(Next Week Shakespeare 1970'sc Style)

Famous Dennis Whitaker Impersonator Sir Anthony Hopkins

I rarely fall off my chair with laughter but hats off to Wogan for achieving it last night. I still have a sore coccyx (oh er Mrs) after his comment "Does anyone remember Abbott & Costello?" when the winning Serbian entry took the stage for the finale. Very cruel but classic

1950's Comic Lou Costello

2007 Eurovision Winner Marija Serifovic

Ladies and Gentleman please a moment in quiet contemplation for my mate Craig the announcer at Rye House Speedway tonight. He has to deal with a World Under 21 Qualifier including: Emil SAIFUTDINOV (Russia), Maciej PIASZCZYNSKI (Poland) Robert KSIEZAK (Australia) Kamil BRZOZOWSKI (Poland). Its at times like these I'm so glad I just write about speedway!! Good Luck mate!
It all reminds me of the Polish man who goes to the opticians:
"Can you read the bottom line for me please" says the optician
"Read it! I know him!" says the man

I heard this morning that evidently Gordon Brown is blind in one eye. I suppose that just proves that in the land of the blind a one eyed man can be King (or Prime Minister)... I thankyou!

Caw Said The Crow was sad to learn this week of the death of Common Sense. Popular during its golden period from 1950-1979 it fell upon hard times during the PC revolution of the 1980's. Struggling to overcome the shock of not being able to call a blackboard black and being frowned upon for using such phrases as manhole and chairman it fell gravely ill. As the 1990's arrived life became no better as it fell foul of the Health & Safety mafia whose aim was to ban children playing conkers and encourage a whole industry of ambulance chasing lawyers who would take you to court for looking at their client in a funny way. Sadly common sense finally took to drink when cups of hot coffee had to have the word hot written on them and small stickers were applied to bags of nuts saying this product may contain nuts. Things got no better at the turn of the century as local authorities were forced to put beware of falling pears signs under pear trees and schools were closed in case children slip over in the playground. Finally in 2007 it all became too much when at Aldgate Station our correspondent heard the announcement "Ladies & Gentlemen because of the rain the platform may be wet". It was alas the proverbial straw that broke the camels back and common sense slipped away (like the train passengers) forever. It will be sadly missed by its small but loyal band of followers but not unfortunately by the majority of the British Public who it sadly never touched.

I sat in a meeting today with people debating what we should call ourselves. They couldn't make their minds up whether they were a Department, a Team, a Unit or a Section. What's even better is our lords and masters also have no idea either. The result of ten minutes of completely pointless debate, yes you've guessed it absolutely nothing.

A mate was once called on to visit a filthy house to do a bit of a Life of Grime job. The place was in a real state with various horrible things everywhere. The occupant was a guy in his 60's who lived with his son. When he came across the man's bed which was far too horrible to describe he asked the son "Is your father incontinent" "No" the son replied "He's in Colchester". You just couldn't make it up.

Take a bus load of journalists with nothing to write about. Slag off the Portuguese Police without giving them any chance to answer back. Show an interview with a crime psychologist who assures us "taking a child in the evening from a locked apartment is a high risk activity". (obviously a professor of stating the bleedin obvious!). Then get Sir Trevor Mcdonald to front it out like its a serious news programme. If the Portuguese Police are bad they've got nothing on our TV producers

We all have teachers at school we remember and others who are totally forgettable. Miss Varley our Geography mistress was memorable for the quote "when you all get grade A at O level you can come back and laugh." Needless to say those of us that did, did just that. In fact it was in the Geography room I remember it clearly only problem was for some reason she wasn't there and Stanley Law was. Now Stanley was a legend at our school the Latin teacher who bore a more than passing resemblance to the comic Count Arthur Strong (below). Stanley spent many a lesson fending off such questions as "Sir did the Romans have skinheads?" or "Sir did they have chariot racing leagues?". Sadly for Stanley he'd enter into a long preamble as his questioner feined interest knowing the longer he could keep it going the more of the lesson would be over. Those who managed over 10 minutes were held in awe by their mates afterwards. Mind you when Stanley lost his temper he was a dab hand at hurling a board rubber. Don't think you'd get away with that these PC days. He was also as accident prone as Frank Spencer you're always told as a kid, don't rock on that chair or you'll fall flat on your back. Well Stanley did just that in front of the whole class he was also pretty good at sticking his foot in the waste paper bin when he got excited. Anyway back to our visit to the Geography room and for once Stanley thought he had the upper hand. "Right you lot" he said "I've had enough of your cheek. Now nobody move I'm going to get the Headmaster." Unfortunately for him he hadn't quite outwitted the room full of cockey 16 year olds as he'd made one fatal mistake, he didn't notice the window out to the playground was wide open. So yes you've guessed it we all climbed out closed the window behind us before he got back.Rolling with laughter we then ducked out of sight as he tried to explain to the Headmaster where his class had gone.
Happy Days ..... Next Week "You Look Like You're Going To Sprout Wings and Take Off Laddy!"

Top Stanley Law Impersonator Count Arthur Strong

For those who remember the Vodafone saga. (those who missed it can find it deep in the depths of the blog) I just received a call from Customer Care telling me that they were now involving their Area Manager and the whole matter was being treated very seriously. They also wanted to confirm everything was OK now with the new phone. Who says having a good rant doesn't work!

"Today is a good day for optimists." - Tony Blair

"Isn't every day a good day for optimists?" - Marvo

Great quote from one of Little Boss's mates who shall remain nameless.
"Does everyone have an inset day on Monday?"
Yep The Whole Country!!
Isn't education a wonderful thing.

For the last few years we have been regular visitors to Praia da Luz on the Algarve. Its a lovely place where mass tourism hasn't caught up yet. The locals are very friendly the whole place has a really homely feel. A standing family joke is that because the clock on the small church in the village had stopped at 7:50pm one year every evening when we walked into town I'd say to the Little Boss "Isn't it funny how we always get here at ten to eight." It took her 8 days to work that one out bless her. Friends of ours liked it so much a couple of years ago they bought an apartment out of town. Knowing all that I can only imagine what the poor locals are going through now. As the local priest is quoted as saying the place has changed forever. We can only hope and pray for the return of the missing three year old. It appears people are already canceling their holidays which will hit the village badly. We will certainly be back next year as one very friendly place can't be blamed for the actions of one sick individual.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

So the results from the local elections are in and guess what... everybody won!!
On the radio the Tories were gloating about how many seats they'd picked up, Labour were celebrating a success because its a good platform to build for the general election. The Lib Dems meanwhile were claiming that it was just the wake up call they needed. Best of all was Tony Robinson (of Baldrick fame)talking about labours results. Now we know what's been happening at those cabinet meetings.

Tony B: Right has anyone got any ideas?
Baldrick: Well Mr Prime Minister I have a cunning plan.
Tony B: Brilliant Baldrick have an OBE

I've written before about my Uncle Edward. He's mentally and physically disabled and lives in a home in Tottenham. He's a mad keen Arsenal fan and today is a big day for him as it is his 70th birthday. Going through some old papers of my Grandma's I found out a lot I didn't know about Uncle Edward. Grandma died 5 years ago aged 101 and Mum's been gone 16 years now so its strange to discover some long forgotten family history. Back in 1942 he was discharged from Great Ormond Street Hospital as there was nothing more they could do for him. He was then placed under the care of the Nerve and Brain Hospital in Queen's Square Holborn because he was having fits 3-4 times a night. At the time my Grandad was carrying him up to bed every night on his back.Amazingly they stabilised his condition and despite all the trauma he must have gone through he's still with us large as life. A couple of months ago he got really bad flu and I must admit I feared the worst as I'd never seen him so down but today he was happy as anything and looking forward to a glass of Guinness and a kiss from his favourite carer. So here's to you Uncle Edward you've survived against all the odds because you are a top bloke. Happy Birthday!

Uncle Edward Last Christmas with Some Bloke Who Writes a Blog!