I'm completely knackered. Today I was the PA announcer at the Womens UEFA Cup Final which Arsenal Ladies won making them the first team outside Scandinavia to win the trophy which was a great achievement. I got involved because an old mate of mine is the announcer at The Emirates and he couldn't be in two places at once as the Gooners were at home to Fulham. Boy did he know what he was doing as I came up against those crazy guys from UEFA who were measuring the advertising hoardings down to the mm! I've never been involved with a more pedantic organisation at one stage I had to tell the fans not to put their scarves over the adverts. I haven't done any announcing for a few years but its the first time I've ever been booed and I don't blame them! Winners though I'm afraid were the Hertfordshire Constabulary who insist on an announcement asking the crowd to leave in "an orderly manner". This was Womens Football everyone was out to have a good time and do they really think even if any of footballs unsavory element were present they were going to take a blind bit of notice

Oh well at least UEFA were happy in the end although there's a certain groundsman who would be happy to tell them where to stick their tape measure! the result went the right way and I've got to say I was pretty impressed by the standard of play. So well done girls and as they say 1-0 TO THE ARSENAL!!
Now its time for a lie down.
See ya tomorrow

Thanks for contacting Vodafone regarding the account your wife holds with us.

I work in the Complaints team here at Vodafone.

Thanks for your email to Vodafone about the poor customer service you've received.

I've today been passed your emails and after reading through, I feel ashamed that a Vodafone customer has been made to feel this way. For this I sincerely apologise. This has been noted and will be dealt with to ensure it does not continue.

The sales assistant, Vanessa should have been much more helpful and this is certainly not how we are trained to deal with customers.

Stage show previews in Stevenage in September

Why is it every time I have anything to do with Vodafone shops I end up having a blazing row with a shop assistant who would make the average amoeba look like Albert Einstein. Today's classic encounter involved the Little Boss's phone which had developed a couple of wavy lines down the side of the screen. On this occasion Vanessa was available to pander to my every whim or in her case say "thats down to screen bleed which isn't covered on the warranty so we'll have to make an insurance claim and it will cost you £25." The phone is on contract and less than 3 months old and has not been dropped kicked or otherwise abused as I tried to explain. Worse though was to come as she continued to go down the insurance route. "Now we'll need to see the account holder to process the claim" she said. Ah ha I thought good job I came prepared presenting a letter written and signed by Mrs M authorising me to deal with all matters phone as she is the account holder. Now comes the real classic "i don't know if we can accept this" said our Vanessa "i mean that could have been signed by anyone and unless we were there when she wrote it you can't prove its from your wife." Yes you may be wondering as I was if this quote was really true! Please believe me you can't make such stuff up.

Please Please don't anyone let Vanessa loose on the financial system because if we have to stand over everyone who signs anything to make sure its their signature we'll all be living in caves as western civilisation collapses around our ears. Her excuse though will be "its company policy" as it was when I stated quite how ridiculous her last statement was. Finally after talking to her supervisor she gave me security clearance. Then the fun really started, as by this time I'd phoned Mrs M to try to talk some sense into the situation. "how will I know its her I'm talking to?" was another of Vanessa's classics before she relented. She then explained to me that all the security was because people clone phones. I had to politely tell her that was much more likely when they were taking them away not bringing them in for repair. Do you ever get the feeling you really are talking to a creature from another planet well thats where I was at that moment.

Eventually after a brief discussion of contract law which appeared to mean as much to Vanessa as quantum physics or Rye Houses chances of winning the speedway Premier League Mrs M came to the rescue. Instead of following the phone the insurance company get a claim number do not pass go or collect your phone route advocated as the only way by Vanessa she's phoned Vodafone direct and spoken to a nice man called Paul who is sending us a replacement phone for nothing tomorrow.

So what was going on there was Vanessa an alien (come to think of it I thought I saw someone like her flash across the screen on Dr Who on Saturday) were the insurance company and Vodafone working a handy scam netting £25 everytime a phone under warranty goes wrong or was it all a horrible dream

A True Football Legend

Do you know we now have someone at work who's only purpose in life is to compile compliments, comments and complaints about us That is all they do! A new directive says we now have to thank everyone who pays us a compliment so in future there will be no work done at all because every minute will be taken up writing: "Dear Mrs Jones I am just writing to say thank you for your recent thank you replying to my thank you for thanking you for saying thank you in the first place." Strange I wasn't aware of the change when my employers finally left the earths atmosphere and hurtled into a parallel universe, guess i must have been thanking someone at the time

15 today and touch wood we seem to be less like a cross between Harry Enfield's Kevin and Vicky Pollard everyday. Tonight we had a really nice family meal and now she is playing with her new laptop. Probably be reading this in a minute so Happy Birthday Little Boss

At a Press conference today Chelski Manager Jose Moaniho told the nations press his sides inability to catch rivals Ronaldo United over the weekend was down to referees getting in the way. "It is impossible for Chelski to play a game without the referee blowing his whistle" he said. "They are ruining the game by calling my players up for fouls.I don't know why they don't just leave us alone,I think we should be allowed to provide all the match officials and Mr Abramovich will see they are alright." Moaniho also critisised his rival Sir Alex "Sucked on a Lemon" Ferguson saying "I've seen him smiling at officials he's a miserable git to everyone else so why not referees, if this continues I will be forced to spit out my dummy and take my toys back to Portugal!" Asked for his reaction Ferguson was heard to say "get out of my way you nobody I've got a cake in the oven for Mark Halsey!"

Go to google.com
Click on maps
Click on get directions
Put in New York and Paris France
Look at instruction No24

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or near the door?"

Not very PC but still hilarious!!

Watch out they're back on Dr Who tomorrow night

Busy couple of days that was. Yesterday I made the journey up to Birmingham to cheer the Rye House Rockets speedway team to an excellent win against the home town Brummies. It was a long drive but well worth it and not only because we won. Standing in the heart of a whole load of Birmingham fans we had a great time. Everyone was friendly everyone had a sense of humour and whilst we cheered for our own teams while the racing was going on, in between races we chatted happily about the sport. I'm afraid it left me thinking what a refreshing change it was from football. Even after their team had been roundly thumped the home fans wished us a safe journey home and good luck for the rest of the season. Speedway really is a top sport with top fans i know I'm biased but why not go try it for yourselves.Oh and good luck to Birmingham for the rest of the season those fans deserve a bit of success, as long as its not against Rye House of course

Our male cat Spike finally did it last night. He's only 10 months old and we've been wondering for ages when he'd bring his first gift back. Well he managed it but fittingly for a cat who started out jet black and is turning rapidly brown he did it in style. There in a stunned state on the lounge carpet was a small sparrow sized bird, the only problem was this one was red with green wings and had a ring round each of its legs?? Don't know if he'd done his best Sylvester impression and nicked it from its cage but he did look mighty guilty. His sister Missy has so far proved the pacifist of the family her favourite hobby is pinching window putty from somewhere and bird feeders from our neighbours gardens. May be they're working as a team she entices the birds in with a feeder or two and he pounces. Only problem is while thats going on someones windows will be falling out. Cats you gotta love em!

Norwich City Councils press office is being run by a dynamic new duo: former Eastern Daily Press reporter Lynette Alcock and ex-Norwich Evening News man Richard Balls. Unfortunately for lovers of schoolboy humour Ms Alcock known up to now by her maiden name will be using her married name of Day in future.*

In other news evidently Mr Bean is threatening legal action against an Iranian TV reporter who said he looked like a member of the British Navy!

*from Private Eye1182

So Prince William dumped Kate Middleton because her Mum wasn't posh enough? Well that's what they were saying on the radio this morning. Can you imagine that first meeting.

Mrs M: oh allo Luv you must be Bill a right little toff you look en all don't ya.
Prince W: er yes delighted to meet you Maam
Mrs M: Oh int he loverly now take the weight off and I'll get you a cup a rosy
PW: That would be splendid
Mrs M: Sorry its only me but the old mans down the quacks. He's been in the kharzi all night reckons it was a dodgy Ruby.
PW: Really

In the kitchen:
Mrs M: Well katie luv looks like you got a top one there proper loaded he is an all, you'll ave to pick me out a nice frock to meet the in laws and i'll ave to sew up the oles in your fathers vest.
Back in the front room

Mrs M: there you are Bill luv fancy a bickie just keep your ands of the bourbons the old mans favourite they are.
PW: Of course I'm rather partial to jammy dodgers myself. Although I have it on good authority my brother prefers tarts.
Mrs M: oh you sauce box anymore of that and I'll wet me knickers. Now drink up I've got a meat pie in the oven for later.So when are we going to meet your old folks then. I mean if you too are at it we'd better get a few things straight before the wedding ay.
PW: well I er
Mrs M: Yes I thought a nice cockney do with plenty of jellied eels and a good punch up can't have a wedding without a good punch up. Hold on here comes the old man. Arry this is
Mr M:who the bleedin ell parked that bloody great Limo across the pavement I almost broke me neck I've got a good mind to sue.
PW: Good afternoon Mr Myddleton delighted I'm sure I have been enjoying the pleasure of your wifes company.
Mr M: Are you taking the Arthur Bliss mate?
Mrs M: Don't mind im Bill he's barks worse than he's bite just like one of your Mum's Corgis. Now tell me does she let em on the bed with er and Phil at night.
Kate: D'oh

Grand National tomorrow and the annual trip to the bookies.
Anyone got any good tips?

Yes I'm afraid I'm down with Man Flu.Having dragged myself in for three days this sciving Public Servant could take it no more when someone in the office suggested I would definitely win first prize in a Johnny Cash sound a like contest! At least I've got a new toy to play with. As an advanced birthday present I got a Creative Vision MP3/divX player. Its an amazing gizmo, would highly recommend it over an over hyped i pod. My Div X versions of Life on Mars are pin sharp and with a 30Gb hard drive there's room for a few thousand songs as well. Just one gripe why do manufacturers continue to scrimp by refusing to provide chargers unless you pay extra? Charging off your PC is all well and good until you go away on holiday which in my case is the main purpose of the MP3 player in the first place
There I must be feeling better as I'm moaning again. Don't tell the boss

Just sitting here catching up on what everyone has been up to and skimming through the music on the PC (of which there is far too much but thats another story) and I realise I have most types covered.I've got a good selection of indie/pop a fair bit of country/americana some folk (that Kate Rusby has a cracking voice)a little touch of soul some super Blues (John Mayall's new CD is on as I'm typing) and R&B from the 50's I even have a small selection of classical but I admit there is absolutely no Jazz, unless you count Cab Calloway which is stretching the point I think. Many years of music collecting many wasted hours searching out bargains in London's seedier stores and I've never been tempted. Cajun or Western Swing I can offer heavy metal and punk in plentiful amounts I even have The Streets which is the closest I get to rap but no jazz. Am I missing something here, have I no soul or does some of it really sound like someone strangling a cat

Well what an ending. Sam got his girl and for once Gene Hunt didn't get the best line.

Tyler: She sounds enigmatic.
Ray: No she's from Barnsley.

Classic!! Be a long time until we have something as good.

Yes the BBC did it again this morning as I was driving to work. On todays phone in they gleefully announced was a survey by the CBI that said Britains workers are a bunch of scivers and more of them than ever are playing hooky from work. The "survey" showing things are worse in the Public Sector.: In fact what the survey said was that 12% of all workers are supposed to be responsible which in the BBC's strange logic doesn't appear to mean we should be congratulating the 88% of us who are totally honest. Of course even before the car had pulled into the car park I'd had to endure the usual array of Majors from Croydon telling us the only way to make Public Servants behave is to take them out and flog them! I wouldn't have minded so much but today this Public Servant was feeling like s**t as he'd caught Mrs M's cold but was still dragging himself in to work only to be indirectly slagged off by a bunch of scivers who have nothing better to do than call radio phone ins :

Why don't the BBC stick to making excellent telly like Life on Mars (last one tonight) instead of trying to hoist their opinions on the public.

Right I feel better for that

Cor a time to sit in front of the PC and catch up with everyone at last. Yesterday was taken up with a bit of a mundane non league football match and a much better speedway meeting. Only problem was after the Gooners decided to hand West Ham three points I had to keep a low profile especially from my 17 year old Tottenham mad nephew who was celebrating his birthday. He finally caught up with me this morning with a appropriately sarcastic text. Wouldn't mind but now he's taller than me the wicked Uncle thing no longer works. I'll have to think of more sneaky ways to get even. There was also trauma in the house after some evil person hacked into the Little Boss's MSN account and one of the cats went missing. Luckily the MSN thing was sorted out as a bit of a girly spat and in typical fashion Spike the cat arrived with that "so what's all the fuss about and where's my tea?" look on his face.

Today was spent visiting my disabled Uncle he's an amazing bloke paralysed down one side mentally and physically handicapped but he'll still tell you every football ground in the UK and that he can't stand Noel Edmonds. Nice one Uncle Edward! Then it was off to the Mother in Laws luckily she was only cruising at 50mph today we didn't get the usual 100 mph whats been happening over the last 2 weeks diatribe in fact Father in law didn't threaten to shoot anybody so he must be going soft in his old age. Anyway Little Boss played a blinder thanks to me bribing her with my laptop to take with her to do her "homework" on. Kept her out of trouble anyway. Then it was back home, a bit of work for the Speedway magazine and now a few minutes in front of the PC before watching the re-run of last nights Toronto v Montreal Ice Hockey (no comments on the result until I've seen it please).
Hope you're all having a good one.

Happy Easter All!

When confronted with a machine that shows all the signs of being as dead as a Monty Python Parrot our computer technicians at work use this equation:

X=Y and Y=X

Where

X= Complete Tosh

Y= The Explanation

And

Remember

F has nothing to do with X or Y as there is no F in explanation

Well I knew it would happen sometime. I mean the Little Boss is 15 in 3 weeks time. So there he was on the doorstep Tony was his name. Polite lad took his shoes off asked if it was alright if he went upstairs into the family room to watch a DVD. Left a feint whiff of aftershave. Showed a passing interest in football. Didn't go "oh bugger" or something like it when I told him Man United were one down and Paul Scholes had been sent off. Hmm can't be a United fan then. Came back down when the DVD had finished no sign of funny business said thanks very much and waved goodbye.They'd even left the room tidy! Always wondered how I would react Mrs M thought I'd be chasing boys off with a shot gun so my first experience was a total anti climax. Still haven't posed the big question yet, is he a Tottenham fan? That'll have to wait for next time, if there is one.

A slow burner this week but another classic once it got going. Can't help thinking every week that Gene Hunt reminds me of my old boss.

Favourite Line:
"What I call a dream involves Diana Dors and a bottle of chip oil!"

Driving home from work tonight and there it was lying in the middle of the road, one left shoe. Its not the first time I've noticed a single bit of footwear in the road. Where do they come from? Do we have a troupe of one legged acrobats who are throwing surplus shoes out of car windows? What's happening out there? This world is getting far too spooky it started with WH Smith's selling Jaffa cakes and its all going to end in tears!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't
defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you
for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.