For some time now I have been working on a theory. It seems to me that there is a direct relationship between how much of a drivers head you see above a car head rest and their driving ability. Tonight I put this theory to the test and it worked 100%. There I was driving home after a spot of lecturing at work stuck behind a Peugeot that looked as if it was driving itself. There was not even the slightest bit of hair above the head rest.Yes I agree I was a bit impatient as I was starving and Mrs M had one of her famous rubys on the go (ruby murray -curry for the non cockneys out there) but slowing down to 21mph in a 40mph zone was a bit much. Then slamming the brakes on for non apparent reason and finally swerving left with no indication just proved my point. Mark my words watch out for those headless drivers!

A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Another top episode so full of good lines. My pick this week had to be: "She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot." Surreal but brilliant!!!

Ian Dury

The Archbishop of Canterbury dies and goes to heaven (Where else?)
As he arrives at the Pearly Gates he sees a long line of people stretching back miles. He decides not to join the line but to talk to St Peter who greets him at the gates.

"Yes mate name" says St Peter
"I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury" says the Archbishop
"Arch Arch Oh yeah here you are alright join the end of the line."
"Er but I don't think you understand I'm the head of the Church in Britain surely I can go straight in."
"Sorry mate" St Peter replies pointing to the end of the line.

Just as the Archbishop is about to trudge back to the end of the line a celestial fanfare breaks out and a golden chariot heads towards the gates. As it gets closer he sees it has one man in it wearing a smart suit and a stripy shirt. As the chariot approaches the gates open the crowd goes wild as it speeds into the distance. Well the Archbishop is a bit miffed at that so turns back and confronts St Peter again.

"Look I really am rather angry now. There is me giving my life to the church and I'm sent to the back of the line and that chap goes straight in."
St Peter looks at the Archbishop looks down at his clipboard and says..
"Look mate you might be the Archbishop of Canterbury but we've had a few of them through here over the years. That was our very first Estate Agent"

I can't be arsed to tag anyone so you're all safe!!

Sorry blogmates nothing doing yesterday as I had the MIL round. Do you know I haven't spoken to her in 3 years. Its not that we don't get on I'm just not quick enough to interrupt (I Thankyou!).

Little Boss had to go to the doctors tonight and before she went she asked me if I'd seen her appointment card. As usual it was on the table as we all know 14 year olds never look. Anyway when I picked it up I couldn't believe it there down the left hand side was a row of adverts. Now I'm all for a little free enterprise but it was the second advert down that I objected to. There bold as brass was an advert for Pepper and Phillips Funeral Directors Do they know something I don't? Are they hoping to get more business out of our surgery? Its one thing drugs companies getting doctors to try their products. Undertakers getting them to provide their customers now thats a step too far!!

Didn't see the England game as I was at Speedway. Driving home I heard Steve McLaren say how "we bossed the game and did everything but score." Five minutes later Alan Greene on Five Live called the performance "inept". Someones telling porkies then and my moneys on Mr McLaren

What did I find when stumbling round WH Smiths at lunchtime. No not the latest literary masterpiece by Sebastian Faulks not a copy of Private Eyes Budget Special not a DVD of some washed up soap stars excercise plan but....... A bloody great display of Jaffa Cakes on special offer at two for 79p!!!! Is this conclusive proof that one of our most renown high street retailers have finally lost the plot. First they introduce the post office queuing system that means you have to wait ten minutes to buy a paper every Saturday morning. Then the outrageously high maze wall displays which have led to numerous OAP's being lost between Science Fiction and GCSE Study Guides for days. Now Jaffa Cakes the worlds gone barking!

OK having been tagged by MenoMama here's my 5 W's

Why? Charlie Nicholas had scored twice and we'd won the Littlewoods Cup!

Who? Mrs M

When? 5th April 1987

Where? Wembley Stadium

What? A red and white scarf!

So get going on your 5 w's then tag 5 more people.

Its the rules cause Mama says so!

Anyone got any ideas whats up with my PC clock. For the last month everytime I boot up the PC its about 12 hours behind the times. Tonight I started up at 5:30pm the clock said 1:30am?? Some people have told me its a sign the battery on the motherboard is on the way out and my PC supplier (Evesham) have given me a new one but other than the clock problem the machine is running fine. As usual I don't want to change it in case I mess something else up. Strangely at times you turn it on and its right the other day it had effectively lost time as I turned it off at midnight but on rebooting the clock said 11pm?? Anyone any ideas whats going on here or is my machine haunted?

So according to the BBC's super budget calculator I'm going to be £282 better off next year after the budget? Yes I'll believe it when I see it! If I am then Mrs M already has plans for a new wardrobe so it looks like I can't win!! Bugger!

Anyone else see the BBC's brilliant Lego Gordon on the lunchtime show on BBC2? Funniest thing I've seen in ages Take one serious economist and whilst she's giving her considered opinion on Mr Brown's budget what do auntie give the punters to look at a selection of lego characters rising out of the discussion table complete with naff sound affects. When the Lego ambulance and weedy siren arrived when she mentioned the NHS I nearly fell off my chair. Producers of the next series of Tarrant on TV will no doubt have it in the can already. From now on I'll be complaining if every piece of serious news is not accompanied by an appropriate Lego model.

We had parents evening for the Little Boss last night. Am I the only one that sits in front of teachers go completely blank and can't think what to ask? Other parents seem to have in depth conversations about something for what seems like hours. Yes I admit I was looking at my watch wondering if I'd be back in time for kick off as were 80% of the Dad's present but most of the conversations still consisted of. "So she's doing OK then." Am I being a bad parent should I be pinning the teachers to the wall and interrogating them for hours under a bright light on the minutest detail of the GCSE syllabus ? Or are some of the other parents just a bit gobby?

As England face a do or die encounter with the mighty Kenyans our cricket correspondent Teddy "Tonker" Thompson gives his thoughts on the Flintoff Affair.

Well what a bloody state of affairs that is the lad is a great player capable of turning a match and murdering a few of the crowd with his bare hands. On the pitch he's everything a cricketer should be but off it he's a bloody disgrace. In my day we could sink 14 pints with whiskey chasers and still have enough in the tank to take on the Aussies at nude leapfrog.I spent many a tour in Adelaide getting me whites off and running as nature intended under the sunset and then ...... yes Anyway Flintoff yes what has it come to when one of our squad can't get totally bladdered and captain an ocean going pedlo?? The man is a national disgrace until he can hold his liquor like a real man he should be home on the next plane. Give him 10 pints and send him for some training on the Serpentine thats what I say.

OK now I've got my Damart long johns and wooly vest, my copy of Scott of The Antarctic, I've stowed 30 gallons of water and 74 cans of soup under the stairs. I have the first five series of Steptoe and Son on DVD and 15 hot water bottles. I have my speech for the morning prepared. "Sorry but you know what my little Close is like, its the ice really forms like a skating rink, so I can't really risk coming in to work etc etc" So where's the bloody blizzard then!!!!!

What is it with Pizza companies? Not content with selling the nations favourite snack they are now ruled by marketing men who spend months coming up with ridiculous new ideas. We've had the cheese crust pizza,(an excuse to add a good 20% to the price by providing 5% more cheese) the no crust pizza (same thing same price but smaller), the square pizza (uses less dough therefore more profit), and now the thick and thin pizza (2 pizzas one with half the ingredients but the same price.)Can't they just stick to making round things with cheese on them

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Well blogmates may I humbly apologise for my absence for a couple of days but I am now glad to report I'm back. There comes a time every year where my job and my hobbies all go a bit manic and that was the last few days. As well as working 9-5ish in local government I've also started a small training company which explains why I was out until 11pm the last few nights. Add to that my other existence as columnist for Speedway Star magazine as well as the local Herts freebee paper and regular contributor to the BBC's Planet Speedway radio show and with the new season about to start on Saturday I haven't known what day it is since Sunday. Although some may say I rarely know what day it is when I'm not so busy!! Technology is great though as I can record all the radio bits on the PC and e-mail them out all I need now is to clone myself and while one works the other one can be lazing on a beach somewhere

Why do this government keep asking obscure figures from public life to review the way our Public Services operate? Who the hell are these people? We've had the Gerschon review, The Rogers review, The Hampton review (no sniggering at the back! ) and now to round it all off we have the Varney review on Transformational Government (whatever that is). Now come off it Mr Blair I know old Reg Varney was a 70's icon and drove a mean bus but what does he know about all this stuff. What next the Wisdom review?? More Public Servants Mr Grimsdale!!!

Well Mrs M and the Little Boss have gone off to see Chicago in London so here I am home alone. I'm not one for the musicals and Mrs M has banned me after an unfortunate incident in the middle 1980's at Evita. I'd had a hard day played football and been dragged into the West End so I had plenty of reason for falling asleep in the second half. OK granted the snoring was a bit much but I doubt whether they heard it on stage. Anyway tonight it was a Chicken in Black Bean stir fry and now my choice of comedy on the telly. Think I'll start with a bit of Reginald Perrin followed by a helping of Black Books on Paramount all finished off with a dollop of Steptoe & Son. Magic!

Yesterday searching for a jar of Bovril in Waitrose I was saddened to find this once great drink relegated to a spot next to the gravy granules while there was a whole display of Marmite in all its various forms (Marmite with Guinness!!). Now when I was a lad there was nothing more satisfying on a cold football day than a mug of Bovril. Such a versatile form of nourishment it was that it also doubled up as a cracking snack spread over hot buttered toast. Yes Bovril was the governor! Then though gradually that strange stuff called Marmite took over we thought it was only posh folks who had that. What use was it? Yes you could put it on toast but it didn't provide a cup of beefy goodness. For many years in this country we had red squirrels until those grey imports drove them into hiding. The same seems to have happened to another British institution Bovril. Things ain't what they used to be

The roar of the bikes, the smell, the lights, and the flying shale how have I survived the winter without it? Speedway is back next Saturday!!

So there I am with a day off. Having played the dutiful Dad and delivered the Little Boss to catch the coach which was taking her to Torquay for the weekend on Netball tour I came back home to find Pam the cleaner giving the Mr Sheen a good bashing.
"Were these books your Dad's" she inquired polishing the bookcase.
"yes" I replied.
"Its four years he's been gone now isn't it"
"Yes in May"
"That was when my old Mum was diagnosed" she replied moving on to the coffee table.
"Where are you going on your holidays" she continued
"Canada in late July"
"oh that's nice is that lady you knew over there still alive?"
"No Pam unfortunately she died last October."
"Oh I'm going to Bognor again"
"That's nice"
By now she was sizing up the sofa.
"We went to a party last week." she said
"Thats nice"
"Well not really the guy is dying they reckon he'll only last until May."
"Er is that the time well I'd better be off" said I heading for the door.

You just couldn't make it up!!

Phone 0898-444666 and vote now

RIP John Inman

My Dad would have been 87 tomorrow. He took me to my first football match and stood round patiently gathering the signatures of the whole England 1966 World Cup Squad for me when they went training in Enfield. He took me to Wimbledon tennis and started a lifelong pilgrimage which I still keep up every year. He was the football coach literally as most of the school team used to travel to away matches crammed in his car. We didn't always see eye to eye, particularly when I shattered the glass in the back door and put my football through the bedroom window but he was always there for me if the going got tough. He tried to teach me to drive which is a brave move for any parent and gave me money towards my first car. When Mum died in 1991 our relationship changed and rather than father and son we were best mates. We shared a love of comedy The Goons, Hancock, Steptoe and Son and Morecambe & Wise. We shared books adding regularly to our own lending library. We spoke regularly on the phone putting the world to rights.

Dad liked a Chinese take away and tomorrow we'll be having one in his honour. Tonight though as I prepare to watch The Gunners take on PSV I'll be aware again of the gap on the sofa where Dad had a season ticket and the hole in my life which has existed since 2003. Here's to you Dad wherever you are.

Help I'm in a real dilema. Liverpool v Barcelona on ITV Life on Mars at 9pm on BBC1 and the Sky+ Box is throwing a wobbly. How can the broadcasters do this? Football v the ultimate blokes TV show have they not got feelings?

Another day at work wrestling with the policy people. Must admit driving hiome I was feeling quite smug because I'd really wound one of them up. Sorry but stupid people who won't deviate from the book (or The Audit Commission in this case) despite the fact its completely and utterley ridiculous deserve all they get.
Anyway I'm rambling there I wa