Well the little boss has finally got herself on-line so I'd better watch what I say from now on! Her Blog is at http://sara-hill-x.blog.co.uk/ so if you can give her a bit of encouragement that would be nice. OK duty done now I'm off to watch the footy

So we have witnessed yet another major accident on our rail system. Once again the track was "checked" a fault was discovered but nobody bothered to tell anyone about it. I still can't get my head round how a system that has one lot responsible for the track another lot looking after the trains and a third company taking care of buildings will ever work. We live in a world dictated by the blame culture and whilst all that lot have each other to blame us humble punters stand no chance.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

All polar bears are left handed.

Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, -
"Those little bastards....."

So Tony Blair has jumped on the "lets cut ticket prices" bandwagon, critisising Premiership clubs for how much the average fan is expected to shell out every weekend. Maybe its because he is on his way the PM has for once hit the nail on the head. Last week I bought a ticket on-line to see the Toronto Blue Jays play the New York Yankees when I'm in Canada later in the year. For £36 I got one of the best seats in the house. If I wanted a ticket to see Chelsea play Sheffield United in a couple of weeks time the cheapest seat would cost me £35.

Back in 2005 The Guardian did some research comparing pricing not only in this country but throughout Europe. It made interesting reading and despite being a couple of years old hasn't changed much. Comparing the best seats at the following clubs you decide where you'd rather go? Chelsea £90 Birmingham £60.50 Newcastle £56 Portsmouth £52 Everton £46 Real Madrid £28.60 Bolton £26 Valencia £24.80 Crawley Town £24 Hereford £22 Roma £21.40 Juventus £20.70 Blackburn £20 Aston Villa £20 Woking £19 Bayern Munich £12.40 Borussia Dortmund £12 Bayern Leverkusen £11.70 Schalke £9.30. The question comes to mind why can you pay twice as much to see Crawley Town as Bayern Munich . Another great example of rip off Britain I feel. Quite what effect a bit of warbling from our Tony will have remains to be seen but with so much competition in the leisure market football had better get its act together quick or we'll be seeing even more empty seats.

"Well where do I start I feel so emotional its the highlight of my career and everything I set out to achieve. I do have some thank you's to make people who made all this possible. I must start with my 3rd wife who has always been behind me, a solid rock of support even when she found me in the broom cupboard with the blonde girl from marketing and then behind the bike sheds with a small sheep called Morris. I was only giving him acting tips for his part in A Close Shave with Wallace & Gromit as I told the magistrate. My family who supported me and always made me laugh through endless days of rehab hiding sharp objects and making sure I couldn't access the drug stash I'd buried in the garden. My postman Eric who cheerfully delivered the bankruptcy notices and my divorce papers when it all got too much. My greengrocer Alec who supplied me with veg through thick and thin. He cheered us up no end when times looked bleak with a succession of small carrots shaped like Willys. My plumber Barry who brought great cheer to my life when he inadvertently ran over my Mother in Law backing his white van off the drive. My bookmaker Vernon who generously named his second yacht after me as he said it was really me who'd bought it. Finally my white haired old Mum who if she was here today would say "Albert where's my bloody tea?"
An excerpt from the Oscar acceptance speech of Albert Crunge who was nominated in the Best Tea Boy category.

So yes I played the dutiful father, the Little Boss won and come 3pm I was in row E in the stalls. An early incident was averted when Mrs M gave me one of her glares because she could hear the game through my earphone. The band striking up soon solved that one. 11 minutes in they were into a rendition of Lulu's "Shout" on stage the "ooh ooh oooh ooh!" bit was the perfect cover to the cry of "Yessss!" when Theo Walcott put us in front. It wasn't long though before the musical journey through time we'd been promised had reached Edith Piaf (The Little Sparrow evidently). The Edith a like on stage had No Regrets but I did. Why the hell didn't the linesman flag when Drogba was offside. At least the high notes disguised the mumbled "oh bugger" as the ball hit the net.

So into the second half John Terry went down as Glen Millers In The Mood started up. Its quite clear he wasn't and hopefully he'll be in for a speedy recovery. Then disaster struck Love is All I Have To Give (by someone I can't remember) burst into its second chorus as the winner went in. Again the cresendo of the chorus was enough to disguise the secong "oh bugger" of the afternoon. There was still time for an almighty punch up to the backdrop of "Thankyou For The Music" before a glum journey home in the car.

The good news was the production company liked the Little Boss and it looks like she's got another dancing job next time they are in town. So every cloud and all that, shame about the end but Mr Wenger and I can both feel our kids did us proud.

Little Boss in a dance show at 2:30pm. Gunners v Chelski in Cardiff kick off 4pm What a dilema

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: "Well, f*ck me! A talking pig!!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes !!!!!!!!

As Arkwright says in Open All Hours. I spent it lecturing at a Psychiatric Rehabilitation Centre which made me realise however much you moan about your job there are always people with far more difficult occupations who get paid less. Driving home I then heard that Chris Eubank had been arrested for protesting against Prince Harry being sent to Iraq and Gazza had been lined up to play the lead role in a film about an alien invasion. Funny old day, barking mad world

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you Some Cream to put on it.”

"Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It’s Not Unusual"

"Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s."
"Well, you can’t say Fairer Than That"

"Doctor i've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum"
"Howzat?"
"Don't you start!"

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is
moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his
window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown
and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £310 million ransom. Otherwise
they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're
going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon!"

As pointed out by Funky the comparison between the London Underground system and a one legged Donkey in the previous post was unfair and could have caused offence. I would therefore like to take this opportunity to render my heartful apologies and say sorry to one legged Donkeys everywhere.

It seems Uncle Ken has swung a deal for London to get cheap fuel from Venezuala in return for advice on how to deal with road congestion. So we get the petrol they get the South American M25, a tube system that runs like a one legged donkey and a rail network where you need a mortgage to buy a ticket. Nice one Ken!!

There was much whailing and gnashing of teeth in the house last night. The mini - boss was in a stress (2000 language for having a tantrum)because her PC kept switcing itself off every half an hour. Personally I think the microchips had finally decided they didn't want to witness another inane coversation on MSN. ("Wats Up?" "Nuffin" "Allright?" "Yeah!") So "Dad!!!!!!" came the cry from the bedroom just as I was settling down to an episode of Steptoe & Son on DVD. Taking the case off the ofending machine I couldn't believe it, there was a couple of inches of fluff over everything including the processor fan. A quick wash and brush up with the Dyson and Roberts your Fathers Brother, Microsoft Windows XP back to its annoying best. So if you're suffering from memory mayhem or hard drive horrors Marvo's new vacuum powered PC repair service is at your service! The mini - boss even said thank you. No mean feat for a fourteen year old who thinks I'm a delivery from Embarrasing Dads Are Us!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!

Being asked to clear out the loft is not usually on the top 10 list of fun ways to spend a morning. But threatened with the "if you don't sort it out now don't even think of watching the football argument" I was up the ladder like a shot. Now amongst the boxes of long deceased electrical items (remember the days when if it blew up no one would accept it back without the original packaging?)I found a real gem. My original James Bond Aston Martin DB5 and you know what the ejector seat and the back screen still worked perfectly. Aah its a moment of Life on Mars style nostalgia they just don't make em like that anymore

The Master!

3 hours this morning wasted being taught the bleedin obvious by a man who would surely make a better living being in a Harry Enfield sketch. (Who was that character catchphrase "I say what I like and I like what I bloody well say."?) Vital Link, Missing Link more like! People expect to be treated with dignity and respect he told us. Bugger I never realised that Do you mean our tactic of using heavy sarcasm and intimidation isn't really how we should be doing things? If only I'd known sooner. (must make note to let complaining customers out of the cellar tomorrow and throw in more fresh straw)! Then again I was only following the example set by our local politicians. Is All I can say.

There I feel better for that, now for me tea.

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in IT support", said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man, "How did you know"?
"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management".
"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!!

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Cheshunt is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

4. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

5. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

6. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

7. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

8. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

9. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

10. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

11. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

12. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

13. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown

Store Manager

Overheard in a restaurant in Bury St Edmunds today (don't ask!) "My wife will have the pasta as she finds it particularly good" Now if I had said that to Mrs Marvo I think I would probably not be conscious again until Thursday and certainly no longer in possession of my own teeth! Also "I think Adam would make a very good anesthetist" Er What qualities are we looking at here? They put people to sleep maybe Adam is in possession of a particularly large hammer? Strange place Suffolk!

A web exclusive as we feature selected chapters from the Book of The Month: Monkeys, Eels and Richard The Thirds – The Life of A Fifties Footballer by Nobby Wallop

I’ll never forget January 1951 we were drawn away to Wapping Rovers in the Third Round of the Cup. Well Chopper Wilmslow was well up for it on account of all his family coming from Wapping. He never forgave them for chucking him out when he was 18. Mind you murdering the postman because he looked at him in a funny way was a bit harsh but as he said “I had to do it Nobby it was the way in them days.”

The team bus turned up at 1:30 outside the ground and Chopper was nowhere to be seen so Alf Rods the manager went into one. He was saying how he should never have sprung Chopper from The Scrubs if this was the way he was going to repay him. Wapping have some big lads and we need protection besides he’d got a raw Lambs leg for Chopper to munch on before the game and just after the war that weren’t cheap. Anyway bus pulls out and we start playing cards I win ten bob off Freddie the Fumble our goalie good job he didn’t notice me swappin his hand when he dropped his cards.

We know when we’re getting near the ground as a brick comes through the window. It’s wrapped in brown paper with the message Welcome to Wapping written on it, a nice gesture I thought. As we start to unload still no sign of Chopper and the boss is telling Wellington’s O’Reilly he’s in for a game. Then suddenly just as he’s about to hand in the team sheet there standing in the center circle is Chopper smiling away he’d ridden all the way on the back of a Gypsy’s donkey. We never found out why although he did say he got lucky with Heather once!

Well we gets changed and out on the pitch and avoids the shower of jellied eels, except right half Jimmy "The Belly" Jones who stops to eat a handful. Then the donkey dung starts coming down from the terraces no wonder the bleedin grass was so high. We kick off and 5 minutes in Two Toes Tommy Tallow is tripped in the box and the ref points to the spot. Up steps Chopper takes out his teeth (an old cockney ritual) and runs up to take the kick. But just as the Ref blows his whistle we hear a car full of Rossers crashing onto the pitch aiming straight at Chopper who legs it out the ground as fast as his legs’ll go. I didn’t see him for 20 years after that. Turns out his white haired old Mum had shopped him as she had a monkey on Wapping to beat us. But as he said when we met up in 1971 after he'd come out of Parkhurst “I don’t blame er Nobby that’s what it was like in those days.”

Next Week: Nobby nutmegs Clement Atlee

Check this out as Barry Normal would have said "its really rather good!"

After much thought I decided on The Guardian. I've just completed a scale model of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon made entirely out of a sheet of A4. Evidently if I keep up my rate of progress I'll be a Black Belt by Monday

Now shall I go to WH Smiths and purchase a copy of The Times for the free How to Speak Chinese CD or shall I get The Guardian for the free Oragami Kit

Can I have my GCSE now?

Just heard Gary Neville moaning about England fans booing last night. Well Gaz its like this. You earn more in a week than most fans do in 2 years. The team were rubbish. The team lost again and the match was about as exciting as dose of H5N1 avian flu. So those who paid an arm and a leg to watch I suspect had every right to show their feelings.