Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell refuted claims today that the awarding of a super casino license to Manchester would lead to an increase in gambling debts among the population. In a statement Ms Jowell said "I'll lay you 6-4 nothing will change or I'll take a double on Gordon Brown for the next leader and John Prescott getting the sack."

Two days in Leicester and finally a return home on a train that only had half the lights on for most of the journey because one of the engines had failed? The worlds most expensive ticket didn't guarantee me a seat either so I had to stand and watch the woman with a big suitcase playing jenga with the luggage pile. Good job there's no law covering suitcase abuse or she would have been locked up for sure. Things were brightened up a bit by the man talking about taking his rabbit to the vets on his mobile. Evidently bunny is quite a character as he has a dog bone he carries around his run. Er I think you'll find thats a small terrier mate! Am debating whether to write to the rail company as the friend I went with got a ticket for £44 compared to my £114 for the same journey. How does that one work? Glad I wasn't paying. At least I got home in time to see the Arsenal confirm their rightful place and send that other lot from North London packing. Cardiff here we come.

No blogging for me tomorrow I'm off to Leicester for a two day course. A bit of a trek for a southern softie like me who gets a nose bleed going north of Watford. So to be sustainable and try to do my bit for planet saving I thought I'd leave the old jam jar at home and as good old Jim once said, let the train take the strain. Well there was I thinking that as Mr Blair is trying to persuade us that we need to adopt alternative forms of transport it was bound to be a reasonable deal. £114!!!!!!!!! I could fly one way to Toronto for that at certain times of the year. How the hell can they justify it? I'm also leaving at 6:34am and waiting on Peterborough Station for 40 minutes for a connection, surely not the most popular of journeys. Makes you laugh doesn't it. Don't think we'll get many people out of their cars until we sort that one out. Bet the trains late as well

Tuning in last night I managed to avoid the delights of Celebrity big brother Strictly Come Ice Dancing and found myself watching Ant & Dec. Horrible as it might seem I actually quite enjoyed it as well. Surely there must be some treatment for this strange affliction. Half way through I was getting quite excited to find out if the insufferable smart arse on the end would walk away with the £50,000 or if the blagging woman who'd answered 3 questions right all night would Poker Face him out. Normal service though was resumed close to the end when I realised that young Ant and Dec always stand in alphabetical order. Ant on the left Dec on the right. That got me thinking about some of the great double acts Morcambe on the left Wise on the right, Laurel and Hardy Ollie on the left Stan on the right. Is this some unwritten law? To prove the point I even looked up a picture of Mike and Bernie Winters. A tough one that you might think but.........

How spooky is that!

England's cricketers were finally celebrating a win on their tour of Australia yesterday. Delighted skipper Andrew "Freddy" Flintoff told the press "Its been a great day we knew the pupils of St Wobats School for the under eights would prove a tough nut to crack but our lads showed plenty of character. They refused to be intimidated by a barrage of underarm daisy cutters and Ian Bells top scoring 17 was an innings of great quality." Coach Duncan "I'm Sorry" Fletcher was equally impressed saying "Some of those kids had real talent the fact that none of them were taller than the stumps made it tough for our bowlers but they came through in the end." Australian captain Ricky Ponting however refused to be impressed. "I know St Wobats can be a tough lot but last time I played them I scored 187 before milk and I was only 6 at the time. I think the Poms have got a bit of work to do."

Scores:
England 27 (Bell 17)
St Wombats 4 all out (2 retired hurt, 2 ran away crying, 3 retired with wet pants,)

There was outrage at the Central Neasden Crown Court today as Justice Fred Balls released a convicted serial killer in line with Home Office guidance. Hannibal Lechter 73 was convicted of 27 counts of murder and 17 of cannibalism. Justice Balls summed up the case by saying. "Mr Lechter you stand here before me wearing an iron mask and salivating all over the dock convicted of some bone chilling crimes. However due to a letter I received from the Home Secretary yesterday that said and I quote 'If you send one more person to prison I'll make sure you spend the rest of your career on the Shetland Islands dealing with nothing but sexual offences against sheep. I don't care how psychopathic they are even if bloody Hannibal Lechter is in the dock you give him community service'. I will be sentencing you to 365 hours community service with the elderly." Leaving the court Mr Lechter was heard to say "Can't stop I'm having an old friend for dinner." In an unrelated incident it was reported that Home Secretary John Reid had lost the Home Office. However it was later revealed that the building was in fact still there and that Mr Reid had put his hand knitted balaclava on back to front.

Off down the pub now as er indoors has told me I've been grumpy all day
Only need 8 more comments to reach 100. Can you do it before I get back?

What a day that was! When I first decided to join public service it was for a secure job and a pension but now it looks like all that is completely out of the window. Privatisation is the name of the game doesn't matter if the service gets better just do it. Today I was bombarded by Management Gobbledegook and a man who actually said the phrase "they might want us to pick off that and any other ripe little carrots". Please help me out here Funky or anyone else of an agricultural persuasion. Is there such a thing as an unripe carrot? Anyway I had two choices fall asleep and snore outrageously during the whole thing or nod wisely and write the following guide to management speak on the back of the agenda.

Partnership Working: Lets save money by lumbering it on some other poor sod.

Efficiency: Getting the workers to do more for the same money.

Efficiency Saving: Getting less workers to do more for less money.

Downsizing: Redundancies.

Change: Its everyman for himself.

Change Management: How to tell them you're sacking them.

Targets: Tell them anything because by the time the results are in you'll be long gone.

HR: Chocolate Poker

Resource Sharing: We've got no dosh so lets blag it off somebody else.

Corporate Re-engineering: Put 20 managers in a room. Tell them there are only 10 jobs. Employ the survivors. Cuts down on those costly job interviews.

Team Building: Lets do something to stop them killing us.

Value For Money: We're not doing it because our room full of policy advisors on vastly inflated salaries say its too expensive.

Privatise: The Directors have shares in the bidding company.

Yep I'm having one of my cynical days

So its January everyone is depressed after Christmas I know what will cheer them up We'll make them subscribe to a pointless magazine that lets them build a replica of the Titanic in matchsticks over 26 weeks and only charge them £500 for the priveledge. Have you noticed all those magazines in WH Smith's evidently according to the BBC the industry is worth over £180 million. So always on the look out for a quick bit of dosh I thought I'd propose a few collections which are bound to get the tills ringing.

1. Toenails of The Rich & Famous – each one handcrafted from the original item and yours to keep. In Volume 1 Mahatma Gandhi a man of peace and his bunions.

2. Your Guide To Government Targets – A new incomprehensible target every month for you to savour. Build them up into an invaluable set so in 10 years time you can look back and say, “The bastards didn’t do any of that.”

3. Build a Big Brother House – A 49 week series starting from the contestants up. In week one get your free Jane Gobby doll (please note this item is supplied without volume control)

4. I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here – The stars, the heartache, the romance and a different slimy squirming bug the size of a small dinner plate every week. (Special offer: send back a half eaten bug to get a discount on next weeks issue)

5. The Lies of Jeffrey Archer – An exclusive series which comes free with a new porky every week. First week special offer we pay you £5 to take it away.

6. Karsi’s of The Kingdom – A hand crafted set perfect to scale from Crapper to Armitage Shanks. Free in the first edition The Royal Karsi at Balmoral.

7. Mohammed Al Fayeds Conspiracy Theories – A 29 week series in which the Harrods owner covers some of the world’s great unsolved crimes and then blames them all on Prince Phillip. Issue one contains free royal voodoo doll.

8. Build an Olympic Stadium – Week upon week you’ll see your model grow until striking workers throw the schedule down the U bend. Expected to finish sometime in 2012, 13 or 14.

A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things. They
decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about
20 minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

I believe you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their record collection. Yes big black things with holes in the middle not your shiny bird scarers. So I've decided to bear my soul and let everyone have a look into mine over the next few weeks.

Today we start with The Blues a form of music that I admit not everyone appreciates. But before you make up your mind let me tell you about the UK's greatest ever Bluesman (Sorry John Mayall) Blind Lemon Jaffa Cake. Jaffa was born the youngest of 14 children in 1912. His father was a miner and his mother worked in a laundry. The perfect match. He started making music in the late 1920's touring the taverns of Hertfordshire and playing entirely for cake. Or more precisely the local delicacy of Jaffa Cake a 20's mixture of malt loaf and lemon with a little lard thrown in. Not to be confused with those orange chocolate things that came a lot later. Jaffa loved the tangy citrus fruit and the texture of lard, many decades later during his psychedelic period he became hopelessly addicted to LSD (Limes, salt and Deep Fat) a powerful hallucinogenic drug. I first heard Jaffa during his 1982 comeback tour for which he produced the album "The Man With Big Trousers". I'll never forget it there I was standing outside the Albert Hall when I heard Jaffa screaming the Blues from the Gents across the road. Sadly it was downhill all the way after that, Jaffa started drinking heavily and at one stage was downing 3 crates of Cranberry juice a day, his LSD addiction returned and he died penniless in 1988. If only he'd stayed alive and controlled his habit he would have proved the perfect front man for the governments 5 a day campaign.

Thankfully though he left behind two things his favourite joke: Question: How many blues singers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 10, one to change the bulb and nine to sing about how good the old one was. He also left a catalogue of classic songs like this:

Split Tin Blues – Blind Lemon Jaffa Cake 1978

I went down to the crossroads
To visit the Londis Shop
I went down to the crossroads
To visit the Londis Shop
Ready sliced or wholemeal that was all the shopkeeper had got

He said have you tried Hovis
I looked at the sky and cried
He said have you tried Hovis
I looked at the sky and cried
I said man you can’t have brown bread with eggs that are fried

We’ll you’ll have to try Sainsburys
Just to get your bread
You’ll have to try Sainsburys
Just to get your bread
But those big supermarkets they just fill me full of dread

I said please Mr shopkeeper
What can I do
I said please Mr shopkeeper
What can I do
He said Ok Come round the back I have a deal for you

I can give you something
That will fulfill your goal
I can give you something
That will fulfill your goal
But you’ll have to swap me cause I want your soul

So down at the crossroads
I got my split tin
Down at the crossroads
I got my split tin
Sold my soul to the devil right where Robert Johnson had bin

Not that he'd ever been to Hatfield but it was close and I'm sure in his soul that day with the devil he would have done the same oh yes (fade)

Next Week: Punk On Monday

The answers to last weeks quiz which featured the question When can I? are as follows:

1. Only when the train isn't standing in the station.
2. If the sheep is facing south easterly and there is an R in the month.
3. When the cucumber has been removed from its shrink wrapping and is not past its sell by date.
4. Only in a box junction on a Tuesday.
5. When you're husband is out playing golf.

This weeks quiz features the question Why can't I?

Hey Hey what a finish, who Are Ya, Who Are Ya oops even I'm doing it now. Another strange phenomenon I noticed in the second half was how considerate fans are towards their opposite numbers even when they've just scored. In a moment of supreme jubilation there is still time to launch into "Your not singing anymore". I'm just surprised that the opposing fans do not reply immediately "Thank you for pointing that out we'll begin again after a quick suck on an extra strong mint." It is of course a particularly ineffective chant when playing foreign opposition so maybe for the later parts of the Champions League the fans at the Emirates should begin rehearsing "usted no está cantando más" for the inevitable meeting with Barcelona. Of course if we win that I'll be the first one shouting "cómo es usted"

Half Time 0-0 but come on Mr Bennett that was definitely a penalty! Gary the Carthorse took dear Thierrys legs away I know cause Andy Gray said so Anyway why am i writing this? Oh yes for the first 10 minutes of the game this afternoon one of the biggest chants from the crowd was "Who are Ya Who are Ya?" Now surely thats unnecessary as they all have a perfectly good matchday magazine (the thing what used to be called a pro gramme) that not only gives an in depth description of the opposition it also provides a nice colour picture of them as well. So please there really is no excuse unless you are expecting the away team to formally introduce themselves while the match is in progress therefore giving your team an excellent opportunity to open the scoring. Right thats cleared that up then back to the footy

No it isn't a dodgy DVD although it would make a good title I think. No this weekend the BBC are celebrating 80 years of Football Commentary by covering tomorrow's match between the Mighty Gunners and some other lot from up north in the style of the 1920's when it was all baggy shorts and rock hard balls. In those days wherever the ball was corresponded to a square on a printed grid they used to give out in the Radio Times. How simple life must have been then you can imagine it now though. Rooney has just questioned whether the referee had any parents [square 6] he's now running across to the bench [square 8]. Now he's making rude signs at Arsene Wenger [square 9] Wenger has now lamped Sir Alex Ferguson who's fallen [square10]. Meanwhile all 22 players are now involved in a mass brawl [squares 3,4,5 and 6].Rooney has now thrown a corner flag into the Stand in the style of Steve Backley its heading towards the press box [square 11 square 12 squ....aaaaah!]

Its been a crap day wrestling with Town Planners (not literally although I'd happily have put them into an agonising hold given half the chance) so to cheer me up a little light relief:

A Duck goes into a bar on Monday.
Barman:Yes sir what can I get you?
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: I'm sorry this is a pub you should try B&Q on the High Street
The Duck leaves. Next day the Duck goes into the pub again.
Barman: Hello again what can I get you?
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: I did tell you yesterday sir try B&Q
The Duck leaves. This goes on for four more days each time the Duck asking for nails and each time the barman pointing him to B&Q. Sunday arrives and the duck is back and by this time the barman is just a little upset before the Duck can say he word he launches into our feathered friend.
Barman: Now look if you come in here one more time and ask if I've got any nails I'm going to take your beak and screw it to the bar OK.
Duck: Got any screws?
Barman: No
Duck: Got any nails?

Blimey what a journey home that was. Two detours for fallen trees the A10 shut both ways and everyone in total pandemonium. I'm just hoping that I'm not responsible. the special guest at "The Play What I Wrote" on Saturday was Michael Fish. He turns up on stage at Southend and 5 days later we get an action replay of the hurricane of 1987. How spooky is that? Something else is baffling me, last year if we had so much as a rather nasty looking cloud in the sky someone would fax our office with a Severe Weather Warning. What did we get this morning, absolutely nothing, no mention of next doors cat flying across the roof tops two panels blowing out of the back fence and half the MIL's garden disappearing into the road. Obviously this little episode wasn't severe enough and we're really just being a bunch of wimps. So stiff upper lip and meooooooooow!! there goes the cat again

There were ugly scenes at the European Parliament today when members clashed over the Celebrity One Man and His Dog scandal. Millions of TV viewers have witnessed a number of nights of abuse of the Romanian entry in this years competition as she was repeatedly called a "bitch" by the British representatives Bozo The Bulldog, Chelsea the Pitbull and Chav the Rottweiler. British MEP's claimed whilst some may consider this a racist attack the description was in fact scientifically correct. A representative from TV company Chavtelly said "Its amazing we've never seen so many sheep gathered round the kennel, once the aggro started they all followed like er sheep."

I'm glad I don't have too many occasions to go into the big smoke these days. Despite my true cockney heritage (cor blimey govenor!) whenever I venture south I let the train take the strain. Unfortunately though today I had to go to Colindale (yes I know someone has to) and to get there by 8:30am I had to drive. About 30 minutes into the journey I began wondering if its thrills and sheer terror you're after this is definitely the place to be. Hang your Grand Theft Auto and other games surely Sony have missed a trick a copy of London Driving 2007 would be the game to end them all.

Level One:
Safely negotiate the three lane roundabout where every other driver has ignored that bit in the Highway Code that says give way to things on your right.

Level Two:
Try to avoid the company rep in the Mercedes who is trying to jump into the inside lane because he's suddenly realised he wants to turn left and if he has to take you with him thats tuff.

Level Three:
Try to keep calm despite extreme provocation from the chav in the wide wheeled Corsa who swerves in front of you without looking and then proceeds to jam his brakes on.

Level Four:
Try to steer round the wandering octogenarian doing 25mph in the fast lane while avoiding the Polish juggernaut overtaking on the inside.

Level Five:
Try to ignore the t**t in the BMW driving 3cm from your rear bumper flashing his lights.

A very boring day saved by the purchase of two Carry On films, Behind and Loving for £3:50 each in the Music City sale (hurry while stocks last) . Only six to go and I'll have the whole set!

Favourite Five Carry On Films

1. Screaming - Harry H Corbett is superb in his one and only appearance.
top line:
 "Frying Tonight!!" - Kenneth Williams

2. Cleo - Sid's Mark Anthony is a delight and who can forget Amanda Barrie in a bath of milk (nurse the screens!)
top line:
"Infamy infamy they've all got it infamy" - Kenneth Williams

3. Khyber - Private Widdle was surely Charles Hawtrey's finest hour.
top lines
Ken: May the benevolence of the God Shevou bring blessing on your home.
Sid: And on yours
Ken: May his wisdom bring success in all your undertakings.
Sid: And in yours.
Ken: May his radiance light up your life.
Sid: And up yours!

4. Cabby - Charles Hawtrey is great as the accident prone Pintpot.
top lines:
Hattie: Oh Charlie Oh its lovely
Sid: I'll say it is. Genuine Mammoth that is.
Hattie: Oh Don't Be Silly Charlie
Sid: Straight up it said so in the shop window. Mammoth fur sale!

5. Camping - Peter Butterworths that'll be a pound routine is a real winner
top line:
"Matron take them away!" - Kenneth Williams

From today's Guardian:

A Californian woman died of water poisoning after taking part in a bizarre drinking contest to win a computer games console, according to US authorities.

A preliminary investigation by the local coroner determined that her death was "consistent with a water intoxication death". It is not yet known how much water she drank.

She was evidently going in for a competition called "Hold your Wee for a Wi" run by KDND 107.9 in Sacramento.

Last night was spent in very enjoyable fashion watching The Play What I Wrote a fine tribute to Eric & Ern in my opinion the worlds greatest double act. This morning coming to the end of the Sunday constitutional (another top word like paraphenalia and cornocopia) I saw a sign outside the local hotel advertising a Kylie and Ronan Keating Tribute Night. Now not wanting to run down the poor girl as she's been a bit poorly lately and not having much against young Ronan I thought it was an odd mixture. Which got me thinking if they really want me to break the lock on the piggy bank and part with hard earned coins of the realm who would I pay to see? Well having thought long and hard, 5 maybe 10 minutes here's a few ideas:

Tony Blair and Robin Gibb
Oops got a bit close to the truth there! Great songs though "How Cheap Is Your Gov" "Staying For Free" "Tragedy" (hold on that's a real one).

Spotted this morning in the local Tesco's:

Golden Pineapples Half Price
Were: £1:88
Now: 84p

Glad to see education education education is working a treat

Cracker from the latest Private Eye, it appears Newcastle City Council now refer to their neighbourhood offices as Corporate Touchdown Spaces I assume the dustmen are now mobile waste recycling operatives as well.

Its blowing up a bit of a gale out there, just seen next doors cat fly past and I'm sitting in the upstairs study I do feel though with all the severe weather warnings we get these days like careful it may rain today so be sure to use your windscreen wipers because if we don't tell you the bleedin obvious you might take us to court, we are ignoring a small but significant group. Do you remember a few years ago when they had high winds some helpful person would come on t