1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying UP YOURS!

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

We should of seen it coming. About a year ago I wrote a post about WH Smiths and their obsession with turning their stores into some second rate Tesco's (if there can be such a thing!)At the time they had put in their new sky high racking system which made every shop look like Hampton Court Maze. Since then its been a regular occurrence that search parties have to be sent out to rescue confused old age pensioners who find themselves stranded between biographies and fashion stationery (??). Then they decided that every customer might just want a half price Terry's Chocolate Orange. That got worse when you suddenly bumped into a stack of Jaffa cakes in the middle of the store. Well now they have capped the lot. Wandering around the Oxford Street branch before going to see the Reduced Shakespeare Company's Dickens Unplugged (highly recommended)I was accosted by a bloke from N Power asking me who supplied my electricity Has it escaped the notice of our politicians the world is hurtling into recession at the same time as the owners of a once proud British institution have gone completely barking. WH Smiths is about papers, magazines, books and pads of lined paper not people trying to sell me electricity or sales assistants offering half price chocolates. Now if someone had stopped them buying that job lot of Jaffa Cakes the credit crunch could have been avoided

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had
a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy
dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted
decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted him out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky
Pass this warning on....

Just as you thought the season was over we have a whole weekend full of playoffs. So here's Marvo's scientific guide to the forthcoming feast of footie at Wembley:

Today: Bristol City v Hull City
Verdict: Hull knocked my second team Watford out of the play offs and I once interviewed Bristol City boss Gary Johnson and found him to be a thoroughly nice bloke so its got to be Bristol City 3 Hull 1

Tommorow: Doncaster v Leeds
Verdict: Gary Kelly of Leeds once totally blanked me when I politely asked him for an interview in the players tunnel at Watford. Doncaster on the other hand despite having had a serious fire the week before and being horribly in debt fussed around me to make sure I had a cup of tea when I went there to cover a game in the mid 90's. Docaster 2 Leeds 1

Monday: Rochdale v Stockport
Verdict: Now this is a tough one never having been to either however one news story has made up my mind. Evidently County boss Jim Gannon has refused to give interviews with Sky TV not because they have misquoted him or questioned his character in any way but because they have failed to fix his faulty Sky+ Box for 9 months! What a top man that gets my vote
Rochdale 0 Stockport 2

Especially for Lunadraconis

This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put
'poor planning' as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down
and untied the rope,holding
it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at
being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive
speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my
presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning
to experience pain.At approximately the same time, however, the
barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,
down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I
met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The
encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of
bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there
on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure
and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty
barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken
legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

There I was having got back from a 2 day conference in Manchester up to my eyes in my new life and as I took off my shirt I looked around for something to wear. There lying on top of the draw was a white T Shirt. This one though wasn't any white T Shirt because on the front it had "blog.co.uk made by you" on the front. Picking it up I started to feel guilty as that shirt was brought over 3,000 miles and presented to me by one of my blog mates (cheers Meno) and I suddenly thought I'd got so wrapped up with the new job and everything I hadn't checked out how everyone was doing for such a long time. No excuses that T Shirt meant a lot and well its what dragged me back to make my first post in ages.

You were a top bloke.

Spike Milligan who have been 90 today and reading the paper I've just found out I share my birthday with the Pope. So have a good one your holiness I intend to

This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming